FISH JOKES!!!!

[ClOwNy_LoVeR]

Top Ten Things To Say About a Christmas Gift You Don't Like...

10. Hey! Now there's a gift!

9. Well, well, well...

8. Boy, if I had not recently shot up 4 sizes that would've fit.

7. This is perfect for wearing around the basement.

6. Gosh. I hope this never catches fire! It is fire season though. There are lots of unexplained fires.

5. If the dog buries it, I'll be furious!

4. I love it - but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.

3. Sadly, tomorrow I enter the Federal Witness Protection Program.

2. To think I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity.

1. I really don't deserve this.

[ClOwNy_LoVeR]

Top Ten Signs That You've Had Too Much Of The 90's...

10. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally insert a "9" to get an outside line.

9. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.

8. You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person.

7. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.

6. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have e-mail addresses.

5. You chat on-line regularly with a stranger from the US, but haven't spoken with your next door neighbor yet this year.

4. You e-mail your work colleague at the desk next to you to ask if they're ready to go to lunch.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 4.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

1. You try to enter your password on the microwave.

[ClOwNy_LoVeR]

Top Ten Signs You Know You've Joined A Redneck HMO...

10. Your ###### prescription includes a Popsicle stick and some duct tape.

9. The only 100% covered expense is embalming.

8. Your Prozac comes in colors and has little "m"s on each pill.

7. Preventive Care Coverage includes "an apple a day".

6. Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.

5. The Lone Star Bar and Grill is an approved pharmacy.

4. The only proctologist lists his address as Rotorooter.

3. The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.

2. Directions to the Dr.'s office include "Take a left when you enter the trailer park".

1. The annual breast exam is conducted at Hooter's

[ClOwNy_LoVeR]

Top Ten Reasons To Go To Work ######...

1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ###### in here by 8:00!"

2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.

3. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."

4. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.

5. You want to see if it's like the dream.

6. So that with a little help from Muzak you can add "Exotic Dancer" to your exaggerated resume.

7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.

8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.

9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.

10. No one steals your chair.

[ClOwNy_LoVeR]

Top Ten Ways To Be An Annoying Usher...

10. Show up drunk. I mean REALLY drunk.

9. SQUEEZE as many people as you can in each row before opening up the next one. We're going for efficiency here.

8. Two words: "Bathroom Key"

7. Insist on frisking all female guests. Body cavity searches are optional.

6. "March" down the aisle and speak with a German accent as you show people to their seats.

5. Urinate in front of each row you are about to open up. Make comments about marking your territory.

4. Pretend you are the Phantom of the Opera. Lurk in the shadows when time permits.

3. Offer your "services" to all guests.

2. Offer guests the opportunity to be included in your plans for world domination.

1. Insist on a pants-free environment.

[ClOwNy_LoVeR]

Top Ten Things Not To Say To Your New Girlfriend's Parents...

10. Can I pull my car in your garage? I'm not sure how long that cop car will stay lost.

9. There ain't nothing that beats that great feeling of knowing your HIV test results are negative! I bet Sara's will be okay too.

8. Nice place you got here. That painting looks expensive. I bet a nice home like this came with a safe already built in, didn't it?

7. Sara is so pretty I've decided to give up being bisexual just for her.

6. Those home pregnancy kits aren't very reliable in my opinion.

5. We're going to keep our relationship quiet for now. My wife can be rather vindictive at times.

4. Can you believe it! Those shit heads at the corner market won't cash my welfare check!

3. Which one of you taught Sara to give such great head?

2. Did you see that saucer that flew over town yesterday?

1. My parole officer thinks Sara has a calming effect on me.

[ClOwNy_LoVeR]

Top Ten Reasons Studying is Better Than ######...

10. You can usually find someone to do it with.

9. If you get tired, you can stop, save your place and pick up where you left off.

8. You can finish early with-out feelings of guilt or shame.

7. When you open a book, you don't have to worry about who else has opened it.

6. A little coffee and you can do it all night.

5. If you don't finish a chapter you won't gain a reputation as a "book teaser."

4. You can do it, eat and watch TV all at the same time.

3. You don't get embarrassed if your parents interrupt you in the middle.

2. You don't have to put your beer down to do it.

1. If you aren't sure what you're doing, you can always ask your roommate for help!

[ClOwNy_LoVeR]

Top Ten Signs Your Spouse Is Having A Cyber Affair...

10. Lately, she sits at the computer ######.

9. After signing off, he always has a cigarette.

8. The giant rubber inflatable disk drive.

7. In the morning, the computer screen is all fogged up.

6. He's gotten amazingly good at typing with one hand.

5. Every day, Bill Gates sends 10 million dollars worth of flowers.

4. The jam in the laser printer is a pair of underwear.

3. During ###### she screams "A COLON BACKSLASH ENTER INSERT!!!!"

2. The fax file is filled with pictures of some guy's ######.

1. Lipstick on the mouse.

[ClOwNy_LoVeR]

Top Ten Ways to Tell Someone Their Fly is Unzipped...

1. The cucumber has left the salad.

2. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.

3. Your soldier ain't so unknown now.

4. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.

5. Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!

6. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.

7. You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary".

8. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.

9. I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?

10. Men are From Mars, women can see Your Penis

[ClOwNy_LoVeR]

Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear From Your Real Estate Agent When You Go To Settlement On Your New Home...

1. "I think unexplained crop circles add a unique flair to any home's garden."

2. "Actually, it's only the rear portion of the yard that overlaps the ancient Indian burial ground."

3. "Yes, the last owner did donate the house to the Hell's Angels, but I'm told that the judge has ordered them not to come within 50 feet of it."

4. "One bleeding toilet doesn't necessarily mean it's haunted."

5. "Your neighbour has assured me that, technically, they're not 'killer' bees."

6. "Even if there was a full-scale mudslide, it's unlikely that it would reach as far back as your property."

7. "It's quite common for roaches to grow that big even when not in the presence of radioactivity."

8. "Did you know that the band Grave Raper holds their practice sessions right next door?"

9. "It's true that they died in the house, but the prosecutor was never actually able to prove it was murder."

10. "You can barely hear the sheet metal factory at night."

[ClOwNy_LoVeR]

Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty In Law But Aren't

10. Have you looked through her briefs?

9. He's one hard judge!

8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.

7. His attorney withdrew at the last minute.

6. Is it a penal offense?

5. Better leave the handcuffs on.

4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!

3. Can you get him to drop his suit?

2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.

1. Think you can get me off?

[ClOwNy_LoVeR]

TOP TEN LIST OF PUT DOWNS TO MEN

1. Please don't talk to my breasts. You won't be meeting them.

2. If you want to control someone, sleep with your remote.

3. I always choose chocolate over men. ALWAYS

4. 51% love goddess...49% bitch. Care to push your luck?

5. My sexual preference is NO

6. My body is my temple, now get on your knees and pray.

7. It's not the size that counts, it's...no, wait, size does count.

8. Remember men, girls are made of sugar, spice and everything nice.

9. Men are like hardwood floors, lay them right the first time and you

can walk all over them forever.

10. Save your breath for you inflatable date.

[ClOwNy_LoVeR]

Great Reasons To Be A Guy...

Phone Conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind.

You can go to the bathroom without a support group.

You can leave the motel bed unmade.

You can kill your own food.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.

If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You don't have to clean if the meter reader is coming.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking: "He must be mad at me."

Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.

Wedding dress - $2,000. Tuxedo rental - 75 bucks.

You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.

If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.

Your pals will never trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"

You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.

You know which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You don't have to shave below your neck.

Gas (at either end) is cool.

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

[ClOwNy_LoVeR]

Men are just simply happier people, and here is why...

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be President. You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car Mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.

People never stare at your chest when you are talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.

Phone conservations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all of your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe even decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier!

[ClOwNy_LoVeR]

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

[ClOwNy_LoVeR]

One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden.

"You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!". So the goblin replies "OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?". The woman stops and thinks for a second, "I want a huge mansion to live in.", goblins replies "OK, you've got it.". Woman again thinks it over, "My second wish is a Mercedes." "OK, you've got that too." "My last wish is a million dollars!". The goblin then says "OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have ###### all night with me." "OK then, if that's what it takes..."

Next morning the little man wakes the woman up.

"Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?" "I'm 27", she replies

"*expletive* me", says the man, "27 and you still believe in goblins"

[ClOwNy_LoVeR]

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, you I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.

[ClOwNy_LoVeR]

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."

[Achilles Tang]

Man! where do you find so many fish jokes??!

[ClOwNy_LoVeR]

sorry for some repeated stuff.took this from web.anybody has more fish jokes?

[ClOwNy_LoVeR]

The Three Fishermen and the Mermaid

Three fishers were fishing when they came upon a mermaid, the mermaid offered them one wish each so the first fisher said: "double my I.Q" so the mermaid did it and to his surprise he started reciting shakespeare.

Then the second fisher said: "triple my I.Q." and sure enough the mermaid did it and amazingly he started doing math problems he didn't know existed.

The third fisher was so impressed he asked the mermaid to quadruple his I.Q and the mermaid said "Are you sure about this? It will change your whole life!" the fisher said "yes" so the mermaid turned him into a woman.

[ClOwNy_LoVeR]

Why fishing is better than making love:

* When you go fishing and you catch something, that's good.

If you're making love and you catch something, that's bad.

* Fish don't compare you to other fishermen neither.

And don't want to know how many other fish you caught.

* In fishing you lie about the one that got away.

In loving you lie about the one you caught.

* You can catch and release a fish, you don't have to lie, and promise to

still be friends after you let it go.

* You don't necessarily have to change your line to keep catching fish.

* You can catch a fish on a 20-cent frozen squid.

If you want to catch a woman you're talking dinner and a movie minimum.

* Fish don't mind if you fall asleep in the middle of fishing.

[ClOwNy_LoVeR]

Women v's Game Warden

A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn;

the wife preferred to read.

One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. The wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake so she rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book.

Along comes the Game Warden in his boat, pulls up alongside and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading my book," she replies as she thinks to herself,

"Is this guy blind or what?"

"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.

"But, Officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?"

"But you have all this equipment, Ma'am. I'll have to

take you in and write you up."

"If you do that I will charge you with rape," snaps the

irate woman.

"I didn't even touch you," grouses the sheriff.

"Yes, that's true... but you have all the equipment ..."

Moral: Never argue with a woman who knows how to read!

[ClOwNy_LoVeR]

Fairplay

A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read. One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a short nap. Although she isn't familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book. Along comes the game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside her and says,"Good morning, Ma'am, what are you doing?" "Reading my book," she replies, thinking isn't that obvious? "You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her. "But officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?" "Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up." "If you do that, I'll have to charge you with rape," says the woman. "But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden. "That's true, but you do have all the equipment." MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. (Contributed by Scott Jamison, Orem,Utah)

[ClOwNy_LoVeR]

Wild Whiskey Worm

One day Jim was out fishing and was not having any luck at all, he tried lures, worms and other types of bait and was just not catching anything. Tom was fishing about 20 feet from him and was catching fish as fast as he cast his line out. Jim was getting very jealous of this show off, so he asked the Tom what he was using for bait. The man said " I am using worms, but I dip them in whiskey" Jim got really interested in this technique so he asked Tom if he could try one of these drunk worms. Tom had no problem with this request so he handed Jim one of the worms. Jim placed the worm on the hook and cast out no sooner than his hook hit the water, Jims pole began to bow like crazy, he set his hook and started to reel it in. Once he got his catch up to the shore he noticed that the worm had the fish by the throat.