FISH JOKES!!!!

[ClOwNy_LoVeR]

Where do shellfish go to borrow money?

To the prawn broker!

What do you call a big fish who makes you an offer you can't refuse?

The Codfather!

What happened to the shark who swallowed a bunch of keys?

He got lockjaw!

Where do fish wash?

In a river basin!

What fish only swims at night?

A starfish!

How do fish go into business?

The start on a small scale!

Which fish go to heaven when they die?

Angelfish!

What is the best way to communicate with a fish?

Drop it a line!

Where do you weigh whales?

At a whale weigh station!

What kind of horse can swim underwater without coming up for air?

A seahorse!

[ClOwNy_LoVeR]

Where are most fish found?

Between the head and the tail!

What kind of fish will help you hear better?

A herring aid!

What do fish sing to each other?

Salmon-chanted evening!

How does an octopus go to war?

Well-armed!

Where do you find a down-and-out octopus?

On squid row!

What do you get if you cross an abbot with a trout?

Monkfish!

What bit of fish doesn't make sense?

The piece of cod that passeth all understanding!

What is dry on the outside, filled with water and blows up buildings?

A fish tank!

What was the Tsar of Russia's favorite fish?

Tsardines!

What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus?

I wanna hold you hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand!

[ClOwNy_LoVeR]

What do you get if you cross a trout with an apartment?

A flat fish!

What do you call a dangerous fish who drinks too much?

A beer-a-cuda!

Who has eight guns and terrorises the ocean?

Billy the Squid!

What happened to the cold jellyfish?

It set!

What's the coldest fish in the sea?

A blue whale!

What did the sardine call the submarine?

A can of people!

What's the difference between a fish and a piano?

You can't tuna fish!

Why are sardines the stupidest fish in the sea?

Because they climb into tins, close the lid and leave teh key outside!

How do the fish get to school?

By octobus!

Why did the lobster blush?

Because the sea weed!

[ClOwNy_LoVeR]

What kind of money do fishermen make?

Net profits!

What do you get if you cross a salmon, a bird's leg and a hand?

Birdsthigh fish fingers!

What kind of noise annoys an oyster?

A noisy noise annoys an oyster! (Try saying that fast!)

What kind of fish goes well with ice-cream?

Jellyfish!

What did the boy fish say to his girlfriend?

'Your plaice or mine'!

Where does seaweed look for a job?

In the 'Kelp-wanted' adds!

Why is a fish easy to weigh?

Because it has its own scales!

Why are fish boots the warmest ones to wear?

Because they have electric 'eels!

Why are dolphins cleverer than humans?

Within 3 hours they can train a man to stand at the side of a pool and feed them fish!

To whom do fish go to borrow money?

The loan shark!

[ClOwNy_LoVeR]

Why are gold fish orange?

The water makes them rusty!

Who held the baby octopus to ransome?

Squidnappers!

What part of a fish weighs the most?

It's scales!

What fish do road-menders use?

Pneumatic krill!

What happens when sharks take their clothes off?

They go sharkers!

What game do fish like playing the most?

Name that tuna!

What do ###### fish play with?

Bare-a-cudas!

What do you get if you cross a big fish with an electricity pylon?

An electric shark!

Who sleeps at the bottom of the sea?

Jack the kipper!

What is a dolphin's favorite TV show?

Whale of fortune!

[ClOwNy_LoVeR]

Business and fishing

One day a fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach, with his fishing pole propped up in the sand and his solitary line cast out into the sparkling blue surf. He was enjoying the warmth of the afternoon sun and the prospect of catching a fish.

About that time, a businessman came walking down the beach, trying to relieve some of the stress of his workday. He noticed the fisherman sitting on the beach and decided to find out why this fisherman was fishing instead of working harder to make a living for himself and his family.

"You aren't going to catch many fish that way," said the businessman to the fisherman, "you should be working rather than lying on the beach!"

The fisherman looked up at the businessman, smiled and replied, "And what will my reward be?"

"Well, you can get bigger nets and catch more fish!" was the businessman's answer.

"And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman, still smiling.

The businessman replied, "You will make money and you'll be able to buy a boat, which will then result in larger catches of fish!" "And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman again.

The businessman was beginning to get a little irritated with the fisherman's questions. "You can buy a bigger boat, and hire some people to work for you!" he said.

"And then what will my reward be?" repeated the fisherman.

The businessman was getting angry. "Don't you understand? You can build up a fleet of fishing boats, sail all over the world, and let all your employees catch fish for you!"

Once again the fisherman asked, "And then what will my reward be?"

The businessman was red with rage and shouted at the fisherman, "Don't you understand that you can become so rich that you will never have to work for your living again! You can spend all the rest of your days sitting on this beach, looking at the sunset. You won't have a care in the world!"

The fisherman, still smiling, looked up and said, "And what do you think I'm doing right now?"

[ClOwNy_LoVeR]

Fish Jokes & Fish Humor

Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his

neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the

cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "Whatcha

doing, Tim?"

"My goldfish died," replied the boy tearfully, without looking

up. "And I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a

goldfish, isn't it?"

Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's

because he's inside your cat."

[ClOwNy_LoVeR]

A Fish Goes Into a Bank

A fish goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see

from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So

he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go

on a long vacation. Patti looks at the fish in disbelief and asks

how much he wants to borrow. The fish says $30,000. The teller

asks his name and the fish says that his name is Rainbow Jagger,

his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank

manager.

Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of

money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the

loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral. The

fish says, "Sure, I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain fly

rod and reel, about an inch long; detailed and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with

the manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the

manager and says, "There's a fish named Rainbow Jagger out there

who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants

to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny rod & reel. "I

mean, what the heck is this??"

The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick-knack,

Patti Whack. Give the fish a loan.

His old man's a Rolling Stone."

A ###### Goes Fishing

A ###### wanted to go ice fishing, so after getting all of the

right tools, she headed toward the nearest frozen lake. After

getting comfy on her stool she started to cut a circular hole in

the ice.

Then from the heavens a voice boomed, ''THERE ARE NO

FISH UNDER THE ICE.'' Startled, the ###### moved further down the

ice, poured a thermos of hot chocolate and started to cut yet

another hole in the ice.

The voice boomed, ''THERE ARE NO FISH

UNDER THE ICE.'' This time quite scared, the ###### moved to the

far end of the ice. Then she started another hole and once again

the voice said, ''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.''

The very scared ###### raised her head and said, ''Is that you, Lord?''

The voice answered, ''NO. IT IS THE MANAGER OF THE ICE RINK.''

[ClOwNy_LoVeR]

###### Fish Joke

A ###### was walking down the street, carrying a brown paper bag.

She ran into one of her friends.

Her friend asked, "Hey! What do you have in the bag?"

She tells her friend that she has some fish in the bag.

The friend says, "Fish! Well, I'll make you a bet. If I can guess

how many fish you have in the bag, you'll have to give me one."

The ###### says, "I'll tell you what. If you tell me how many

fish I have in this bag, I'll give you both of them."

More Fish One Liner Jokes

How do you get around fast on the bottom of the sea?

Skates!

What lies on the bottom of the ocean and shakes?

A nervous wreck.

What fish boats the best?

A Sailfish.

What do you call a man with a large flatfish on his head?

Ray!

Are shellfish warm?

No they're clammy!

How do you get four whales into a Firebird?

Two in the front and two in the back.

How do you get four dolphins into a Firebird?

...Two in the front and two in the back? No, silly - you have to

take the whales out first!

How do you tell whether you have a boy shark or a girl shark?

You give it a fish - if he eats it, it's a boy - if she eats it,

it's a girl.

What Fish sounds like a Furry Telephone?

Herring, herring...herring, herring...herring, herring.

Why do penguins eat fish?

Because donuts get soggy before they can catch them.

Which sea will make you go ape?

The chimansea.

What do you get when you cross an ape with a crustacean?

A shrimpanzee.

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

FSH.

What does a fish say when it swims into a wall?

Dam!

Which day do fish hate the most?

Fry-day!

Which fish dresses the best?

The Swordfish - It always looks sharp!

Two fish in a tank. One says to the other: "How do you drive this

thing?"

* Who robs banks and squirts ink?

Billy the Squid.

* Where do you go to weigh whales?

At a whaleweigh station

* What fish make the best sandwich?

A peanut butter and jellyfish

* Where do you go to meet the best fish?

It doesn't matter - any old plaice will do.

* What do you use to cut the ocean?

A seasaw

* How do you post a fish?

You send it COD ... or first bass mail

* What kind of a fish does your Parrot sit on?

A Perch!

* Why should you use six hooks on your fishing line?

eFISHancy!

* How do you get around fast on the bottom of the sea?

Skates!

* What lies on the bottom of the ocean and shakes?

A nervous wreck.

* What fish boats the best?

A Sailfish.

* What do you call a man with a large flatfish on his head?

Ray!

* Are shellfish warm?

No they're clammy!

* How do you get four whales into a Firebird?

Two in the front and two in the back.

* How do you get four dolphins into a Firebird?

...Two in the front and two in the back? No, silly - you have to take the whales out first!

* How do you tell whether you have a boy shark or a girl shark?

You give it a fish - if he eats it, it's a boy - if she eats it, it's a girl.

* What Fish sounds like a Furry Telephone?

Herring, herring...herring, herring...herring, herring.

* Why do penguins eat fish?

Because donuts get soggy before they can catch them.

* Which sea will make you go ape?

The chimansea.

* What do you get when you cross an ape with a crustacean?

A shrimpanzee.

* What do you call a fish with no eyes?

FSH.

* What does a fish say when it swims into a wall?

Dam!

* Which day do fish hate the most?

Fry-day!

* Which fish dresses the best?

The Swordfish - It always looks sharp!

* Two fish in a tank. One says to the other: "How do you drive this thing?"

[ClOwNy_LoVeR]

Q. Why are fish easy to weigh?

A. They have their own scales.

Q. What did the fish say when it ran into the concrete wall?

A. Dam!

Q. What cat has eight legs?

A. An octopus.

Q. Where do you weigh a whale?

A. At a whaleway station

Q. Where do you see a man eating fish?

A. In a restaurant.

Q. What did the first-time fisherman do to remember the spot with lots of fish?

A. He drew a mark on the side of his boat.

Q. Who are the strongest creatures in the ocean?

A. Mussels

Q. Why are fish so smart?

A. They always go around in schools.

Q. What did the sea say to the beach?

A. Nothing. It just waved.

Q. What do you get when you cross an elephant with a fish?

A. Swimming trunks!

Q. What's the difference between a piano and a fish?

A. You can tune a piano, but you can't tune a fish.

Q. What do you call a surgeon with eight arms?

A. A doctopus!

Q. Knock. Knock.

Who's there?

Crab.

Crab who?

Crab your cossie. We're going for a swim.

[ClOwNy_LoVeR]

Question: What is the fastest fish in the sea?

Answer: A go-carp!

Question: What did one rock pool say to the other rock pool?

Answer: Show me your mussels!

Question: Where do fish keep their money?

Answer: In the river bank!

Question: Where do fish wash?

Answer: In a river basin!

Fish 1: "Don't swim in the sea, A shark just bit off my foot!"

Fish 2: "Which one?"

Fish 1: "I don't know. All sharks look the same to me."

Question: What do you call a fish with no eyes?

Answer: A fsh!!!!

A man was stopped by a warden in the Lake District recently with two buckets of fish leaving a lake well known for its fishing.

The warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

The man replied to the warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?!" the warden replied.

"Yes, sir! Every night I take these here fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take em home."

"That's a load of rubbish! Fish can't do that!"

The man looked at the warden for a moment, and then said, "Here, I'll show you. It really works."

"Okay, I've GOT to see this!" The warden was curious.

The man poured the fish in to the river and stood and waited. After several minutes, the warden turned to the man and said, "Well?"

"Well, what?" the man responded.

"When are you going to call them back?" the warden prompted.

"Call who back?" the man asked.

"The FISH"

"What fish?" the man asked.

Question: Why did the fish cross the road?

Answer: To get to the other tide!

Two fish are sat in a tank. One says to the other, "So how do we drive this thing then?"

Question: What did the cod say to the loan shark?

Answer: "There's that sick squid I owed you."

Question: Why didn't the cod answer the phone?

Answer: Because he was hard of herring!

Question: What kind of fish goes well with ice-cream?

Answer: Jellyfish

Two birds were sat on a Perch, one bird turned to the other and said, "can you smell fish?"

A ###### was walking down the street, carrying a brown paper bag. She ran into one of her friends. Her friend asked, "Hey! What do you have in the bag?" She tells her friend that she has some fish in the bag. The friend says, "Fish! Well, I'll make you a bet. If I can guess how many fish you have in the bag, you'll have to give me one." The ###### says, "I'll tell you what. If you tell me how many fish I have in this bag, I'll give you both of them."

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish - and you've got the whole weekend to yourself.

Question: Where do you find a crab with no legs?

Answer: Exactly where you left it.

Did you here about the Fish and Chip shop that got broken into last night? All the Fish got battered.

Question: What do you call a fish that lays at the bottom of the ocean and orders all the other fish about?

Answer: The Cod-Father!

Question: Why is it so easy to weigh fish?

Answer: They have their own scales!

Question: What sits at the bottom of the sea and shivers?

Answer: A nervous wreck.

Question: How do you stop a fish from smelling?

Answer: Cut its nose off!

Give a man a fish and he eats for one day. Teach him to fish and he'll bore you rigid with tales of "the one that got away"!

Question: Why did the fish cross the road?

Answer: Because he's fin was stuck to a chicken!

[ClOwNy_LoVeR]

*

Why do salmon like the mornings best?

o

It's the spawn (dawn) of a new day.

*

Why was the comic fish fired?

o

His act smelt.

Where do shellfish gamble?

o

At the Clams Casino.

*

What kinds of doctors make fish look younger?

o

Plastic sturgeons.

*

What did the fish say when the pelican caught it?

o

P-OUCH.

*

How can you tell that a fish is playing hooky?

o

It isn't in school.

*

What kind of fish pray?

o

Holy Mackerel.

[ClOwNy_LoVeR]

more jokes

A Lonely Jew in Catholic School

A Jewish student was doing well in school in all subjects except for Math. So his parents decide to send him to a private Catholic school.

While there the boy came home from school and studied every day. At the end of the marking period the boy got straight A's. So his parents asked him, "What motivated you to do so well in school?"

He replied, "When I saw that guy nailed to a plus sign I knew they weren't fooling around!"

[ClOwNy_LoVeR]

TOP 10 SIGNS YOUR FAMILY IS STRESSED...

10. Conversations often begin with "Put the gun down, and then we can talk".

9. The school principal has your number on speed-dial.

8. The cat is on Valium.

7. People have trouble understanding your kids, because they learned to speak through clenched teeth.

6. You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaffeinated.

5. The number of jobs held down by family members exceeds the number of people in the family.

4. No one has time to wait for microwave TV dinners.

3. "Family meetings" are often mediated by law enforcement officials.

2. You have to check your kid's day-timer to see if he can take out the trash.

1. Maxwell House gives you industrial rates.

[ClOwNy_LoVeR]

TOP TEN WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE PMS...

10. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.

9. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet

8. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.

7. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.

6. You're using your cell phone to dial up bumper stickers that says, "How's my driving? Call 1-800-EAT-SHIT."

5. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.

4. You're convinced there's a God and he's male.

3. You're counting down the days until menopause.

2. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.

1. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

[ClOwNy_LoVeR]

TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND...

10. Cats' ###### expressions

9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors

8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds

7. Fat clothes

6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time

5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell

4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow

3. Eyelash curlers

2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made

1. OTHER WOMEN

[ClOwNy_LoVeR]

funny not meant to be an insult just a joke don't take it too seriously.

regards clowny lover

TOP TEN THINGS MEN WOULD DO IF THEY WOKE UP WITH A VAGINA FOR A DAY...

10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.

9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.

8. See if they could finally do the splits.

7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.

6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.

5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes ... BEFORE closing time.

4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.

3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.

2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.

1. Finally find that damned G-spot.

[ClOwNy_LoVeR]

TOP TEN THINGS WOMEN WOULD DO IF THEY WOKE UP AND HAD A PENIS FOR A DAY...

10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.

9. Get a blow job.

8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.

7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.

6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.

5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.

4. Touch yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.

3. Jump up and down ###### with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.

2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.

1. Repeat number 9......

[ClOwNy_LoVeR]

TOP TEN THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR IN CHURCH...

10. Hey! It's my turn to sit in the front pew.

9. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time.

8. Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.

7. I've decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.

6. I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.

5. Forget the denominational minimum salary, let's pay our pastor so he can live like we do.

4. I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before!

3. Since we're all here, let's start the service early.

2. Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.

1. Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign!

[ClOwNy_LoVeR]

TOP TEN TV SHOWS IN IRAQ

10. Husseinfeld

9. Mad About Everything

8. Allah McBeal

7. Wheel of Fortune and Terror

6. Achmed's Creek

5. The Price is Right if Saddam Says it's Right

4. Children Are Forbidden From Saying Anything Darndest

3. The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show

2. Buffy the Slayer of American Imperialist Dogs

1. Suddenly Sanctions

[ClOwNy_LoVeR]

TOP 10 SIGNS SOMEONE PLAYS TOO MANY VIDEO GAMES

10. They ask for all their money in quarters.

9. They're not sure what season, or year it is.

8. They're best friends names are Super Mario, Pac-man, and Sonic (if they have real-life friends).

7. The electric company and the toy store sends them birthday cards.

6. Big falling blocks and hot lava pits haunt their dreams.

5. Their fingers twitch all the time.

4. When they are sick at home the change clerk at the arcade calls to see if they are all right.

3. They can play 2 player games by themselves.

2. Everyone at the arcade knows them by name.

1. Someone is reading this to them, 'cause they're too busy getting a new high score and can not be bothered.

[ClOwNy_LoVeR]

TOP TEN SONG TITLES ON THE POPE'S NEW ALBUM

10. Girls Just Want To Be Nuns

9. Wind Beneath My Vestments

8. Pretty Fly (For A Celibate Guy)

7. A Whiter Shade Of Robe

6. Exactly Like A Virgin

5. Sistine Candles

4. Take This Job And Read It

3. Gettin' Popey Wit It

2. God Must Have Spent A Little More Time On Me

1. Papa's Got A Brand New Encyclical

[ClOwNy_LoVeR]

TOP TEN BAD THINGS ABOUT HAVING A SUMMER TIME SHARE WITH DARTH VADER

10. Claims those long-distance calls to the Death Star aren't his.

9. Uses Jedi powers to shake up your root beer right before you open it.

8. He's always accusing you of hiding his asthma inhaler.

7. Claims he paid you the rent "a long, long time ago."

6. Dances around in nothing but cape and cowboy hat while doing "Darth Brooks" routine.

5. For once he could use Force to lift his wet towel off the couch.

4. That scary music that plays when he enters a room gets old real fast.

3. You feel like an idiot saying, "No, Darth isn't here. He's on the ice planet Hoth."

2. Not easy cleaning burnt Ewok fur off the barbecue grill.

1. Constantly doing his lame James Earl Jones impression.

[ClOwNy_LoVeR]

TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY IN GOLF BUT AREN'T

10. Nuts...my shaft is bent.

9. After 18 holes I can barely walk.

8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.

7. Look at the size of his putter.

6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.

5. Mind if I join your threesome?

4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.

3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.

2. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired.

1. Hold up...I need to wash my balls first.

[ClOwNy_LoVeR]

TOP TEN REASONS WHY TRICK OR TREATING IS BETTER THAN ######.....

10. You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

9. If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.

8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.

7. You don't have to compliment the person who gives you so me.

6. It's O.K. when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because you are.

5. Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy.

4. If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door.

3. It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.

2. Less guilt the morning after.

1. You can do the whole neighborhood.