Just a Joke

[XiaoBaiTu]

Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your fishing licenses."

"We don't have any." replied the first blonde.

"Well, if your going to fish, you need fishing licenses." said the Game Warden.

"But officer," replied the second blonde, "we aren't fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river."

The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line. "Well, I know of no law against it," said the Game Warden, "take all the debris you want." And with that, the Game Warden left.

As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically. "What a dumb Fish Cop," the second blonde said to the other two, "doesn't he know that there are steelhead in this river?!"

[XiaoBaiTu]

Why Men Have Better Friends

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Friendship between Women:

A woman didn't come home one night.

The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house.

The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship between Men:

A man didn't come home one night.

The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.

Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.

[XiaoBaiTu]

Children's Moments Sermon

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During our church's worship service, the pastor invites all the young children

to join him near the altar for the “Children's Moments Sermonâ€.

One day, with seven small children in attendance, he spoke about the ingredients required to make up a church, using a chocolate-chip cookie as an example. He explained to the children that, as with a cookie requiring ingredients such as sugar and eggs, the church needed ingredients to make up the congregation. Holding a cookie aloft, he asked, “If I took the chocolate chips out of this cookie, what would I have?â€

A shy six-year-old raised his hand. “Six less grams of fat,†he replied.

[XiaoBaiTu]

Lucky Ah!

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One day, Ah Beng & Ah Seng were walking down the Chinatown when they saw something in their path.

"Wait!" cried Ah Beng. "Wat is tat huh?"

"Yah ho! Be carefool lo," warned Ah Seng.

"Wat is it?" They approached the thing and looked at it very closely.

"Eee look like shit lah!" say Ah Beng.

"Hmmm..... smell like shit also!" say Ah Seng after taking a deep breathe.

Ah Beng then poked the thing with his one finger, raised the finger to his lips, tasted it and said,"Tastes like shit!"

Ah Seng pushed his finger right through the thing and stick out his tongue to lick. With confidence, he said,

"Confirm is shit!"

Then they smiled at each other,

"WAH! Lucky we didn't step on it."

[XiaoBaiTu]

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A

FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,

HONEY,

COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY?

IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.

HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY,

FIX THE LIGHTS NOW?

DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE

GE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?

I DON'T THINK SO.

FINE,

THEN THE WIFE ASKS,

WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?

IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT

TO WHICH HE REPLIED,

FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?

DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE

WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?

I DON'T THINK SO

FINE, SHE SAYS

THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS

TO THE FRONT DOOR?

THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK

I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T

WANT TO FIX STEPS

HE SAYS, DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE

ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?

I DON'T THINK SO

I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU.

I'M GOING TO THE BAR

SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A

COUPLE OF HOURS...............................

HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW

HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES

TO GO HOME

AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES

THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.

AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE , HE SEES THE

HALL LIGHT IS WORKING

AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES

THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.

HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?

SHE SAID, WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT

OUTSIDE AND CRIED.

JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME

WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.

HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND

ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER

GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.

HE SAID,

SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?

SHE REPLIED,

HELLOOOOO..

DO YOU SEE SARA LEE WRITTEN

ON MY FOREHEAD?

I DON'T THINK SO!

[XiaoBaiTu]

On a Lonely Island

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A guy is stranded on an island with only a Doberman and a pig for company. There's plenty of food and water, and the weather is beautiful, so he's doing alright - but after a few months he gets lonely...

The pig starts to look more and more attractive - soft, pink flesh, round buttocks, etc. But every time this poor guy makes an advance towards the pig, the Doberman snarls at him and once almost bit his leg. Very frustrating.

One day the guy sees a speck on the horizon, so he swims out there and it turns out to be a dinghy, cast adrift, and in the bottom of the boat is a beautiful woman, unconscious. He drags her to shore and brings her into his hut and slowly nurses her back health. Finally she is well enough to walk and she says to him "Thank you, thank you for saving my life. I don't know how I can ever repay you. I'll do anything for you, anything, just name it."

The guy thinks for a minute and says, "Would you mind taking my dog for a walk?"

[XiaoBaiTu]

Postman

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Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their love lives.

One woman said, "I call my husband the dentist. Nobody can drill like he does."

The second woman giggled and confessed, "I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft."

The third woman quietly sipped her whiskey until her friend asked, "Say, what do you call your husband?"

She frowned and said, "The postman."

"Why the postman?"

"Because he always delivers late, and half the time it's in the wrong box."

[XiaoBaiTu]

Boy Goes To His Dad...

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A boy went up to his father and asked him, 'Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?'

The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.' Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars,and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a Million dollars Come back and tell me what you learn from that.

So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!'

The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The girl replied, 'Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat! Are you nuts?!?'

The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?'

The boy pondered the answers for a few days, then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically? The boy replied, 'Yes...

Potentially, you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but Realistically, we're living with two sluts and a poof.'

[XiaoBaiTu]

Second Over First

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Bob had finally made it to the last round of the $64,000 Question. The night before the big question, he told the M.C. that he desired a question on American History.

The big night had arrived. Bob made his way on stage in front of the studio and TV audience. He had become the talk of the week. He was the best guest this show had ever seen. The M.C. stepped up to the mic.

"Bob, you have chosen American History as your final question. You know that if you correctly answer this question, you will walk away $64,000 dollars richer. Are you ready?"

Bob nodded with a cocky confidence-the crowd went nuts. He hadn't missed a question all week.

"Bob, your question on American History is a two-part question. As you know, you may answer either part first. As a rule, the second half of the question is always easier. Which part would you like to take a stab at first?"

Bob was now becoming more noticeably nervous. He couldn't believe it, but he was drawing a blank. American History was his easiest subject, but he played it safe.

"I'll try the easier part first."

The M.C. nodded approvingly. "Here we go Bob. I will ask you the second half first, then the first half."

The audience silenced with gross anticipation......

"Bob, here is your question: And in what year did it happen?"

[XiaoBaiTu]

It's Nothing

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A couple took their young son to the circus and when the elephants appeared, the boy seemed very intrigued by them.

"Mommy, what's that long thing on the elephant?" he asked.

"That's the elephant's trunk, dear," she replied.

"No, not that. What's that long thing that's hanging between the elephant's legs?" asked the boy.

Embarrassed, the mother replied, "Oh, it's nothing, son."

She then left to get some hot dogs and sodas. While she was gone, the young boy turned to his father and asked, "Daddy, what's that long thing hanging between the elephant's legs?"

"That's the elephant's penis, son," explained the father.

"Well, why did mommy say it was nothing when I asked her?" the boy asked.

Taking a deep breath, the father proudly replied, "I've spoiled that woman, son!"

[XiaoBaiTu]

A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there. He asks the lady 'Do you have a vagina?' She slams the door in disgust.

The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man, and he asks the same question of the woman 'Do you have a vagina?' She slams the door again.

Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice "Honey, I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again.'

The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door.

The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice 'Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen, and if it is the same guy, I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with it.'

She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question.

'Do you have vagina?'

'Yes' she says.

The man replies 'Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours!'

[XiaoBaiTu]

CALL CHARGES FROM HELL?

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How much would it cost to (telephone) call Singapore from Hell? You’d be surprised!

Queen Elizabeth, Bill Clinton and Lee Kuan Yew die and go to hell. But the devil has only one phone there. Queen says, I miss my England, can I use your phone and hear how my people are doing down there.

She calls and talks about five minutes. Then she asks: Well devil, how much do I owe you for the call? The devil says: Five million pounds. She writes him a cheque and goes back to her chair .

Clinton wants to make a call too. He says I wanna call the US. He talks about ten minutes, then asks how much do I owe you devil? The devil says Ten million dollars He also writes a cheque and goes back to his seat

Lee Kuan Yew is jealous. He says I want to call Singapore. He calls and talks for about an hour to his son Lee Hsien Loong who is busy trying to find Mas Selamat. Then he asks the devil how much do I owe you?

The devil replies: only one dollar. Lee Kuan Yew is shocked and asks ‘why so little?’.

The devils says: if you make a call from one hell to another, IT’S LOCAL CALL.

[XiaoBaiTu]

Ah Beng Speaks up

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Ah Beng talks about Singapore history and current affairs...

Under the 'ang mo' we all live happily together, no complain.

Malaysia & Singapore is one big family in our brains.

One day we both like 2 durians cannot get along.

Got sharp thorns, poke each other, until 'buay song.'

One moment like brothers, can give and take.

Next moment we kena kicked out by the leg.

Wah! Our towkay also cry like mad,

we all also feel very very sad.

Our neigbours all say, 'Wah they all sure to die!

They got nothing, how to get next bowl of rice?'

So 'boh pian,' we all work day and night.

We also join the army so that we can fight.

We don't care others 'see us no up'.

But actually inside we very pain in the heart.

Then slowly hor we grow rich and a bit fat.

Now others talk about us also got some respect.

They scratch their heads and say

'Very funny! Got nothing how come they can still make money?'

Last time also got no money to buy ice-cream cone.

Nowadays even small kids can also afford hand phone.

Sea port, airport also can become Number One.

He! He! Sometimes think about it also very fun.

But some people look at us also not happy.

Actually they jealous don't want to say only.

So every time their country got something wrong.

They all say Singapore's behind it all along.

Everybody know we water no enough.

They turn off tap only we all cannot last.

They threaten us with water supply and shout 'Cut! Cut! Cut!'

Aiyoh! They all think the water is one big ketupat.

We all hear already also 'buay tahan'

Wah liao, they think we small can makan!

But now they 'cow pay cow bu' we all not very scared.

We want to build water desalination plant already so not so bad.

But their own economy now all go bust.

Got to sell water otherwise money no enough.

Then another neighbor say Singapore no friend friend,

Got so much money, a bit more also donno how to lend.

They say we all only one small red dot,

like the center of a big dartboard.

Maybe they think we mouse and they cat,

that's why they suka suka anyhow talk like that.

But we all still send them a lot of rice.

Show the world we actually very very nice.

Sometimes we 'cho ho sim' also kena whack.

But we all gentleman wan, don't want to fight back.

I think hor maybe they don't understand us very well.

That's why relationship sometimes like heaven sometimes like hell

Some say aiyah our prosperity is all due to luck,

that's why we all siao siao' can still win the Tiger Cup

I think hor, Singapore is like chilli padi in a pot -

Size small small but still very very hot.

[XiaoBaiTu]

Spray A Coke Bottle

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A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally she agrees to go out with him. He takes her to a nice restaurant and buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine. On the way home, he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot. They start necking and he's getting pretty excited. He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she's a virgin and wants to stay that way.

"Well, okay," he says, "how about a blow job?"

"Yuck!" she screams. "I'm not putting that thing in my mouth!"

He says, "Well, then, how about a hand job?"

"I've never done that," she says. "What do I have to do?"

"Well," he answers, "remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?" She nods. "Well, it's just like that."

So, he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it. A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, his eyes close, snot starts to run out of his nose, wax blows out of his ear and he screams out in pain.

"What's wrong?!" she cries out.

"Take your thumb off the end!"

[XiaoBaiTu]

Swapping Partners

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Two couples went on a vacation together. One of the men stated, "Our sex life has become routine and fairly predictable, don't you ever get tired of your wife?"

"I know exactly what you mean, I wonder if our wives will consent to swapping."

Much to their amazement the women consented to the arrangement. Early the next morning the husbands compared notes.

"How was it?"

"Wonderful, I haven't had this much fun in ages!"

"Me, too. Now let's go see how the ladies made out."

[XiaoBaiTu]

Blonde Takes Bus

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A blonde was visiting Washington, DC for the first time. She wanted to see the Capitol building. Unfortunately, she couldn't find it, so she asked a police officer for directions, "Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the Capitol building?"

The officer replied, "Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It'll take you right there." She thanked the officer and he drives off.

Three hours later the police officer returned to the same area and, sure enough, the blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop. The officer got out of his car and said, "Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus. That was three hours ago. Why are you still waiting?"

The blonde replied, "Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now. The 45th bus just went by!"

[XiaoBaiTu]

Green Side Up

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A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job. In the first room she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out "GREEN SIDE UP!"

In the second room she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady was somewhat curious but she said nothing.

In the third room she said she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"

The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?" "I'm sorry," came the reply. "but I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street."

[XiaoBaiTu]

Scratch On Car

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DAD - Son, come in here, we need to talk.

SON - What's up, Dad?

DAD - There's a scratch down the side of the car. Did you do it?

SON - I don't believe; if I understand the definition of "scratch the car"; that I can say, truthfully, that I scratched the car.

DAD - Well, it wasn't there yesterday, and you drove the car last night, and no one else has driven it since. How can you explain the scratch?

SON - Well, as I've said before, I have no recollection of scratching the car. While it is true that I did take the car out last night, I did not scratch it.

DAD - But your sister, Monica, has told me she saw you back the car against the mailbox at the end of the driveway, heard a loud scraping sound, saw you get out to examine the car, and then drive away. So again I'll ask you, yes or no, did you scratch the car?

SON - Oh, you mean you think you have evidence to prove I scratched it. Well, you see, I understood you to mean did "I" scratch the car. I stand by my earlier statement, that I did not scratch the car.

DAD - Are you trying to tell me you didn't drive the car into the mailbox?

SON - Well, you see sir, I was trying to drive the car into the street. I mishandled the steering of the car, and it resulted in direct contact with the mailbox, though that was clearly not my intent.

DAD - So you are then saying that you did hit the mailbox?

SON - No sir, that's not my statement. I'll refer you back to my original statement that I did not scratch the car.

DAD - But the car did hit the mailbox, and the car did get scratched as a result of this contact?

SON - Well, yes, I suppose you could look at it that way.

DAD - So you lied to me when you said you did not scratch the car?

SON - No. No, that's not correct. Your question was "Did I scratch the car?" From a strict legal definition, as I understood the meaning of that sentence, I did not scratch the car... the mailbox did... I was merely present when the scratching occurred. So my answer of "No" when you asked "Did I scratch the car" was legally correct, although I did not volunteer information.

DAD - Where in the heck did you learn to be such a liar?

SON - From The President of the United States.

[XiaoBaiTu]

Double Death

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A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned about all his employees' well being, asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?"

The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."

The boss, feeling very sorry at this point, explains to the young girl. "Why don't you go home for the day, we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest."

The blonde very calmly states, "No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."

The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. "If you need anything, just let me know."

Well, a few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde hysterically crying!! He rushes out to her, asking, "What's so bad now. Are you gonna be ok?"

"No!" exclaims the blonde. "I just got a call from my sister. She told me that HER mom died too!!"

[XiaoBaiTu]

Subjects for a date

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A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about. He asks his father for advice.

The father replies: "My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy."

The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. Ice cream sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as the boy's nervousness builds.

He remembers his father's advice, and chooses the first topic.

He asks the girl: "Do you like spinach?" She says "No," and the silence returns.

After a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his father's suggestion and turns to the second item on the list. He asks, "Do you have a brother?" Again, the girl says "No" and there is silence once again.

The boy then plays his last card. He thinks of his father's advice and asks the girl the following question: "If you had a brother, would he like spinach?"

[XiaoBaiTu]

No meat on Friday

When Ole quit farming, he discovered that he was the only Lutheran in his new little town of Catholics. That was okay, but the neighbors had a problem with his barbequing beef every Friday. Since they couldn't eat meat on Friday, the tempting aroma was getting the best of them. Hoping they could do something to stop this, the neighbors got together and went over to talk to Ole. "Ole," they said, "since you are the only Lutheran in this whole town and there's not a Lutheran church for many miles, we think you should join our church and become a Catholic." Ole thought about it for a minute and decided they were probably right. Ole talked to the priest, and they arranged it.

The big day came and the priest had Ole kneel. He put his hand on Ole's head and said, "Ole, you were born a Lutheran, you were raised a Lutheran, and now," he said as he sprinkled some incense over Ole's head, "now you are a Catholic!"

Ole was happy and the neighbors were happy. But the following Friday evening at suppertime, there was again the aroma of grilled beef coming from Ole's yard. The neighbors went to talk to him about this and as they approached the fence, they heard Ole saying to the steak: "You were born a beef, you were raised a beef", and as he sprinkled salt over the meat he said, "and NOW you are a FISH!"

[XiaoBaiTu]

Two Sweethearts

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There were two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school and were both virgins and enjoyed losing their virginity with each other in 10th grade. When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast, and the guy went to the west coast.

They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime they could together. As time went on, the guy would call the girl but she was never home and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return any letters. Even when he e-mailed her, she took days to return his messages. Finally, she confessed to him that she wanted to date around. He didn't take this very well and increased his calls and letters and e-mails trying to win back her love. Because she became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back.

So what she did was this: She took a polaroid picture of her sucking her new boyfriend's unmentionables and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone." Well needless to say, this guy was heartbroken, but even more so, he was pissed.

So what he did next was awesome: He wrote on the back of the photo the following: "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!" and then mailed the picture to her parents

[XiaoBaiTu]

10 Times

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The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"

With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down. Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

Little Mary's mouth fell open; then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she gonna get in big trouble!"

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?" Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued. "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: Number 1: You have a dirty mind; Number 2: You didn't read your homework; and Number 3: One day you are going to be very, very disappointed.

[XiaoBaiTu]

In Love

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A man sitting at the window one evening casually called to his wife, "There's that woman that the guy next door is in love with!"

His wife, in the kitchen, dropped the plate she was drying, ran into the living room, knocked over a vase, and looked out the window. "Where? Where?" she demanded.

"Right over there on the corner. The lady in the blue dress."

"You idiot! That's his wife!"

"Yes, I know," the husband grinned.

[XiaoBaiTu]

Counter Fitting

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Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time. After 3 years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community.... and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him.

But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place".