Just a Joke

[XiaoBaiTu]

The blondee and the Trucker

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A trucker stops for red light and a blondee girl catches up. She knocks on the door and the trucker lowers the window. The girl says, "Hi, my name is Kelly, and you are losing some of your load."

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

The trucker stops for another red light and the girl again catches up. She knocks on the door and the trucker lowers the window and she says, "Hi my name is Kelly, and you are losing some of your load!"

He ignores her again and continues down the street.

The trucker stops for still another red light and the girl catches up again all out of breath. She knocks on the door and the trucker lowers the window. Again, she says "Hi, my name is Kelly, and you are losing some of your load!"

He dismisses her and starts off down the street, then stops. The trucker gets out of the truck, approaches the blondee girl, and says: "Hi, my name is Andy, and I am driving a SALT TRUCK!"

[XiaoBaiTu]

State Capitals

There was this guy who was married to a blondee, and each night he came home with a came home with a new ###### joke. One night the wife got mad and decided to show him that she wasn't dumb. She spent the whole next day learning all her states and capitals.

That night when he got home he told his joke. She says, "I'm not so dumb. I know all of the states and capitals. Go ahead, quiz me."

He thought for a moment and asked, "What is the capital of Massachusetts?"

She quickly replied, "M"

[XiaoBaiTu]

Comfortable

Two sisters, one blondee and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home." The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.

After buying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word "comfortable". The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, "comfortable?'"

The brunette explains, "My sister's blondee. The word's big. She'll read it slow. - - - -

("com-for-da-bul" )

[XiaoBaiTu]

Two blondee friends were going on a trip to Florida. A neighbor told them that they'd be fine as long as they paid attention to the road signs along the way. But they'd driven just 30 miles when they saw one that read "Clean Restrooms Ahead."

Two months later they arrived in Florida exhausted, having used up 86 bottles of Windex, 267 rolls of paper towels, and three cases of toilet-bowl cleaner.

Total restrooms cleaned: 450.

[XiaoBaiTu]

Sleeping Pills

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An exhausted looking blondee dragged himself in to the doctor's office. "Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep."

"I have good news for you," the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications. "Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over."

"Great," the blond answered, "I'll try anything. Let's give it a shot."

A few weeks later the blondee returned, looking worse than ever. "Doc, your plan is no good. I'm more tired than before!"

"I don't understand how that could be", said the doctor, shaking his head. "Those are the strongest pills on the market!"

"That may be true," answered the blond wearily, "but I'm still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one it's hard getting him to swallow the pill!"

[Ah-lim]

Comfortable

Two sisters, one blondee and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home." The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.

After buying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word "comfortable". The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, "comfortable?'"

The brunette explains, "My sister's blondee. The word's big. She'll read it slow. - - - -

("com-for-da-bul" )

Nice one !!

[XiaoBaiTu]

Three blondes fishing

Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your fishing licenses."

"We don't have any." replied the first blondee.

"Well, if your going to fish, you need fishing licenses." said the Game Warden.

"But officer," replied the second blondee, "we aren't fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river."

The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line. "Well, I know of no law against it," said the Game Warden, "take all the debris you want." And with that, the Game Warden left.

As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically. "What a dumb Fish Cop," the second blondee said to the other two, "doesn't he know that there are steelhead in this river?!"

[XiaoBaiTu]

The Mirror

Legend has it that there is a coffee bar in

New York where, in the Ladies Room there is a very special mirror. If one stands in front of the mirror and tells the truth one is granted a wish.

However, if one tells a lie ---*poof*------- you are instantly swallowed up by the mirror, never to be seen again.

A redhead of questionable looks walks into the ladies room and stands before the mirror and says, "I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world." *Poof* the mirror swallows her up.

Next a rather large brunette stands before

the mirror and says, "I'm the sexiest woman alive". *Poof* the mirror swallows her too.

Then, an absolutely gorgeous blondee comes in and stands before the mirror and says, "I think...". *Poof*

[sky107line]

The mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couple's house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house.

She saw her daughter-in law standing nakedd by the door.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the

daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're nakedd!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're !nakedd"

"My husband loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy. I would appreciate it if you would leave because he will be home from work any minute."

The mother-in-law was tired of all this romantic talk and left.

On the way home she thought about the love dress. When she

got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and waited by the front door.

Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her

standing nakedd by the door.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress" she replied.

He responded, "Needs ironing!"

[XiaoBaiTu]

The Redhead

A young Redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible", says the doctor. "Show me."

She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams.

The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?"

"No, " she says, " I'm actually a Blondee."

"I thought so, the doctor says. "Your finger is broken."

[Ah-lim]

A Drunkard driving a car,was stopped over by a female officer.

"You have the rights to remain silence. Anything you say will be held against you in court." Said the female officer.

Drunkard says ".......t.i.ts...."

[XiaoBaiTu]

Blondee Ice

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One day, a man comes home from work and finds his blondee wife leaning over

the kitchen sink and crying.

"Honey, what's wrong?"

She said between sniffles, "I... I dropped the ice cubes on the floor, and

then I rinsed them off in hot water, and now I can't find them."

[XiaoBaiTu]

She Was So Blondee That

She tripped over a cordless phone.

She thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train."

She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "concentrate.

"

She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."

She asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.

She studied for a blood test.

When she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.

When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.

She sold the car for gas money!

[XiaoBaiTu]

Keep the Green Side Up!

A woman hired a contractor to repaint the interior of her house. The woman walked the man through the second floor of her home and told him what colors she wanted for each room.

As they walked through the first room, the woman said, "I think I would like this room in a cream color."

The contractor wrote on his clipboard, walked to the window, opened it and yelled out, "Green side up!"

He then closed the window and continued following the woman to the next room. The woman looked confused, but proceeded with her tour.

"In this room, I was thinking of an offblue."

Again, the contractor wrote this down, went to the window, opened it and yelled out, "Green side up!"

This baffled the woman, but she was hesitant to say anything. In the next room, the woman said she would like it painted in a light rose color.

And once more, the contractor opened the window and yelled, "Green side up!"

Struck with curiosity, the woman mustered up the nerve to ask, "Why do you keep yelling 'Green side up' out my window every time I tell you the color I would like the room?"

The contractor replied, "Because I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street."

[XiaoBaiTu]

God Loves Blondes

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A blondee finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray..."God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the Lotto."

Lotto night comes, and somebody else wins it. She again prays..."God, please let me win the Lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."

Lotto night comes and she still has no luck. Once again, she prays..."My God, why have You forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help, and I have always been a good servant to You. PLEASE let me win the Lotto just this one time so I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The blondee is overwhelmed by the Voice of God Himself..."Sweetheart, work with Me on this... Buy a ticket"

[XiaoBaiTu]

A Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blondee escape a burning building by climbing to the roof. The Firemen are on the street below, holding a blanket for them to jump into.

The firemen yell to the Brunette, "Jump! Jump! It's your only chance to survive!" The Brunette jumps and SWISH the firemen yank the blanket away...the Brunette slams into the sidewalk like a tomato.

"C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump!' say the firemen to the Redhead.

"Oh no! You're gonna pull the blanket away!" says the Redhead.

"No! It's Brunettes we can't stand! We're OK with Redheads!"

"OK" says the Redhead, and she jumps. SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away, and the lady is flattened on the pavement like a pancake.

Finally, the Blondee steps to the edge of the roof. Again, the firemen yell "Jump! You have to jump!"

"No way! You're just gonna pull the blanket away!" yelled the Blonde.

No! Really! You have to jump! We won't pull the blanket away!"

"Look," the Blondee says, "nothing you say is gonna convince me that you're not gonna pull the blanket away! So what I want you to do is put the blanket down, and back away from it . . ."

[cjh]

bro the jokes are funny.. but you are reposting the old jokes liao le la...

[XiaoBaiTu]

Fetch

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The veterinarian told the blondee that her dog needed some exercise. "You need to make sure this dog runs around," the doctor said. "Try playing a game of fetch with him."

"I can't play fetch with my dog," the blondee said.

"Why not?" the doctor asked.

"Because," she replied, "He can't throw."

[XiaoBaiTu]

10 Blondes & A Brunette

There were eleven people hanging onto a rope that came down from an airplane.

Ten were blonde, and one was a brunette.

They all decided that one person should get off because if they didn't, the rope would break and everyone would die.

No one could decide who should go, so finally the brunette said, "I'll get off."

After a really touching speech from the brunette saying she would get off, all of the blondes started clapping.

Problem solved.

[XiaoBaiTu]

How to Detect a Mental Deficiency

A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a blondee gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease. "Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"

"Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track."

"What sort of question?"

"Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?'

The blondee thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history."

[XiaoBaiTu]

Made in China

A man went on a business to China and wanted to buy some gifts for his kids.

He went to a shop and found a nice looking CD player. Wary of buying inferior goods, he asked the shopkeeper,

'What would happen if this does not work?'

The shopkeeper quietly points to the only sign in English that reads, 'GUARANTEE NO SPOILT'.

Feeling assured, he paid for the CD player and returns to his hotel. He tried to use the CD player after returning to the hotel but it would not even switch on.

He quickly return to the shop and asked for a refund or an exchange for another unit. When the shopkeeper refuse to give either, the man points to the sign assuring him of a guarantee.

The shopkeeper then said, 'Brother, you are in China . We read from the right to the left.

[XiaoBaiTu]

Nice Assss

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Little Johnny likes to gamble.

One day his dad gets a new job so his family has to move to a new city.

Johnny's daddy thinks, "I'll get a head start on Johnny's gambling."

So he calls the teacher and says, "My son Johnny will be starting your class tomorrow but he likes to gamble so you'll have to keep an eye on him."

The teacher says OK, she can handle it.

The next day Johnny walks into class and hands the teacher an apple and says, "Hi, my name is Johnny."

She says yes I know who you are.

Johnny smiles and says, "I bet you ten dollars you've got a mole on your butt."

The teacher thinks that she will break his little gambling problem so she takes him up on the bet.

She pulls her pants down and shows him her butt and there was no mole.

That afternoon, Johnny goes home and tells his dad that he lost ten dollars to the teacher and why.

So his dad calls the teacher and says, "Johnny said that he bet you that you had a mole on your butt and he lost."

The teacher says, "Yeah, and I think I broke his gambling problem."

Johnny's dad laughs and says, "No you didn't, he bet me a hundred dollars this morning that he'd see your Assss before the day was over."

[XiaoBaiTu]

Useless in the Parking Lot

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A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her daughter was very sick with a fever. She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication for her daughter.

When returning to her car she found that she had locked herkeys in the car. She was in a hurry to get home to her sick daughter.

She didn't know what to do, so she called her home and told the baby sitter what had happened and that she did not know what to do. The baby sitter told her that her daughter was getting worse.

She said, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door."

The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been thrown down on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time or other had locked their keys in their car.

Then she looked at the hanger and said, "I don't know how to use this."

So she bowed her head and asked God to send her some help. Within five minutes an old rusty car pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head.

The woman thought, "This is what you sent to help me?" But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful.

The man got out of his car and asked her if he could help. She said, "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"

He said, "Sure". He walked over to the car, and in less than one minute the car was opened.

She hugged the man and through her tears she said, "Thank you so much! You are a very nice man."

The man replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour."

The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud, "Oh, Thank you God!

You even sent me a Professional!"

[XiaoBaiTu]

Once upon a time in Singapore, there lived a happy couple, Mr. &

Mrs. Ng with their 3 lovely daughters; Elaine, Ena & Ella.

The 3 daughters were brought up in a prim-and-proper way and when

they reached 20, they were still virgins. Years passed, and it was

time to get them married.

So, the parents found them the most suitable " leng chais" (handsome

guys ). They got married and were preparing to set-off on their

honeymoon.

As "concerned" (more like "kay-poh") parents, Mr.& Mrs. Ng were

curious about their daughters' first-night experience. So, before

the daughters went on their respective honeymoons, Mrs. Ng told

them......" Your father and I want to know about your 1st night

encounters and whether you are satisfied. Write a letter to us, but

as not to raise your husbands' curiosity...you all must use a code-

name to describe your experiences".

So, the excited daughters were off. A week passed. Mr. & Mrs. Ng got

the first letter. It was from Elaine.

They opened the letter and found the word STANDARD CHARTERED. They

immediately took the newspaper and looked for the Standard Chartered

advertisement.

"Ah! here it is!", exclaimed Mr. Ng. The motto for Standard Chartered

was.... "BIG, STRONG & FRIENDLY"

Mr & Mrs. Ng were happy.

A week later, they got another letter. This time it was from Ena.

The content was simple. "NESCAFE". So, again they took the newspaper

and looked for the Nescafe ad. "Ah! here it is. 'NESCAFE: PLEASURE TILL THE LAST DROP".

Mr. & Mrs. Ng beamed with joy.

Another week passed. A month passed. And another. There was still no

letter from Ella. The Ngs became worried.

Finally, the letter came. It was scribbled and could hardly be read,

but Mrs. Ng managed to figure it out. The code-name was "SINGAPORE

AIRLINES".

Why Singapore Airlines? Mr.Ng rushed to the nearest store and got a

newspaper. He flipped the pages frantically. "Ah! Here it is!" Mrs. Ng

grabbed the page and read aloud.

Before she could finish ...THUMP!!!...she fell off her chair.

The motto was ..."7 TIMES A WEEK. 4 TO 6 TIMES A DAY. NON-STOP".

[XiaoBaiTu]

You get what you ask for in a woman!

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death .

The question?....What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.

But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed.. The astounded

Lancelot asked what had happened

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below. BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?

Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now ....what is the moral to this story?

Scroll down

The moral is.....

If you don't let a woman have her own way....

Things are going to get ugly.