Just a Joke

[XiaoBaiTu]

Bad Addiction

A man went to his doctor, seeking help for his terrible addiction to cigars. The doctor was quite familiar with his very compulsive patient, so recommended an unusual and quite drastic form of aversion therapy.

"When you go to bed tonight, take one of your cigars, unwrap it, and stick it completely up your butt. Then remove it, rewrap it, and place it back with all the others, in such a fashion as you can't tell which one it is. The aversion is obvious, you won't dare smoke any of them, not knowing which is the treated cigar."

"Thanks doc, I'll try it." And he did. But three weeks later he came back and saw the doctor again.

"What? My recommendation didn't work? It was supposed to be effective even in the most addictive of cases, such as yours is!" answered the doctor.

"Well, it kind of worked, doc. At least I was able to transfer my addiction," replied the patient.

"What is that supposed to mean?" demanded the doctor.

"Well, I don't smoke cigars anymore, but now I can't go to sleep at night unless I have a cigar shoved up my butt."

[LaW]

Hit him again!

The crumbling, old church building needed remodeling, so the preacher made an impassioned appeal, looking directly at the richest may in town. At the end of the message, the rich man stood up and announced, "Pastor, I will contribute $1,000."

Just then, plaster fell from the ceiling and struck the rich man on the shoulder. He promptly stood again and shouted, "Pastor, I will increase my donation to $5,000."

Before he could sit back down, plaster fell on him again, and again he virtually screamed, "Pastor, I will double my last pledge."

He sat down, and an larger chunk of plaster fell hitting him on the head. He stood once more and hollered, "Pastor, I will give $20,000!" This prompted a deacon to shout, "Hit him again, Lord! Hit him again!

this is good!

once again, thanks for sharing.

[XiaoBaiTu]

Half Price

One day, a thrifty man told his son that he always had to bargain for half price for everything he wanted to buy. His son nodded his head and went to the supermarket to buy some diet pills.

Kid : Uncle, how much for 1 box?

Storekeeper : ''$40''

Kid : ''Can $20?''

Storekeeper : ''$30 last offer!''

Kid : ''$15!''

Storekeeper : ''$20!''

Kid : ''$10!''

Storekeeper : ''$8!''

Kid : ''$4!''

Storekeeper : ''Walao eh, like this might as well give you for free....''

Kid : ''No! I want half a box!''

[XiaoBaiTu]

Inspiring Music

A minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the

congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for

repairs to the church building.

Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and

a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute

wanted to know what to play. "Here's a copy of the service," he said

impatiently.

"But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the

announcement about the finances."

During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters,

we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we

expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or

more, please stand up."

At that moment, the substitute organist played, "The Star Spangled

Banner."

[XiaoBaiTu]

Church Hopping

A man was stranded on the proverbial deserted Pacific island for years. Finally one day a boat comes sailing into view, and the man frantically waves and draws the skipper's attention. The boat comes near the island, and the sailor gets out and greets the stranded man.

After awhile the sailor asks, "What are those three huts you have here?"

"Well, that's my house there."

"What's that next hut?" asks the sailor.

"I built that hut to be my church."

"What about the other hut?"

"Oh, that's where I used to go to church."

[XiaoBaiTu]

Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite ###### walks by him and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says, "Sir, did you call for me?"

Bob replies, "No, what do you mean?"

She says, "You must be new here; let me explain. It's a rule here that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me."

Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lays down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down, and farts. Within a few seconds a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him.

The Huge Man says, "Sir, did you call for me?"

Bob replies, "No, what do you mean?"

The Huge Man says, "You must be new here; it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me." The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench and has his way with him.

Bob rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling ###### receptionist, "May I help you?"

Bob says, "Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 joining fee."

The Receptionist was surprised, "But sir, you've only been here a couple of hours and you only saw a small fraction of our facilities.â€

"Bob replies, "Listen lady, I am 58 years old, I get a hard-on twice a month, but I fart 15 times a day."

[XiaoBaiTu]

Adult Movie

A blondee decides to do something she hasn't done before, and goes to the video store to rent her first X-rated adult video. After looking around at the store, she selects a title that sounds very stimulating.

She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR. To her disappointment there's nothing but static on the screen. She calls the store to complain stating, "I just rented an adult movie from you and there's nothing on the tape, but static."

The clerk apologized about the defective video and asked, "Which title did you rent?"

The blondee replied, "It's called 'Head Cleaner.'"

[Ah-lim]

Bad Addiction

A man went to his doctor, seeking help for his terrible addiction to cigars. The doctor was quite familiar with his very compulsive patient, so recommended an unusual and quite drastic form of aversion therapy.

"When you go to bed tonight, take one of your cigars, unwrap it, and stick it completely up your butt. Then remove it, rewrap it, and place it back with all the others, in such a fashion as you can't tell which one it is. The aversion is obvious, you won't dare smoke any of them, not knowing which is the treated cigar."

"Thanks doc, I'll try it." And he did. But three weeks later he came back and saw the doctor again.

"What? My recommendation didn't work? It was supposed to be effective even in the most addictive of cases, such as yours is!" answered the doctor.

"Well, it kind of worked, doc. At least I was able to transfer my addiction," replied the patient.

"What is that supposed to mean?" demanded the doctor.

"Well, I don't smoke cigars anymore, but now I can't go to sleep at night unless I have a cigar shoved up my butt."

Nice one !!

[XiaoBaiTu]

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?" "Of course. What may I do for you?" "Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie." "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?" "I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father."

[XiaoBaiTu]

Topless Sunbather

A woman was staying at a hotel and she decided to go sunbathing on the hotel roof. When she laid down to sun her back, her bikini top fell off. She didn't care so much, though, because nobody ever came up to the roof anyway. Which is why she was surprised when she heard footsteps. It was the maitre'd from the restaurant.

"Ma'am," he said, "we were all wondering if you could put your top back on."

"Why? I'm not disturbing anybody."

"Ma'am. You're on the skylight."

[XiaoBaiTu]

A Jealous Husband

A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on the movements of his wife. The husband wanted more than a written report; he wanted video of his wife's activities.

A week later, the detective returned with a video. They sat down together to watch it. Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man! He saw the two of them laughing in the park. He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe. He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. He saw the man and his wife participate in a dozen activities with utter glee.

"I just can't believe this," the distraught husband said.

The detective said, "What's not to believe? It's right up there on the screen!"

The husband replied, "I can't believe that my wife could be so much fun!"

[XiaoBaiTu]

Everything I Need

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A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55

mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at

him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years,

but, I want a divorce."

The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60

mph.

She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of

it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend,

and he's a much better lover than you."

Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his

anger increases.

She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up,

and now is doing 70 mph.

She says, "I want the kids, too."

The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, now he's

up to 80 mph.

She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the

credit cards, too."

The husband slowly starts to veer toward

a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything

you want?"

The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need."

She asks, "What's that?"

The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph,

"I've got the airbag!"

[XiaoBaiTu]

A little girl walked daily to and from school. Though the weather one morning was questionable and clouds were forming, she made the daily trek to the elementary school. As the day progressed, the winds whipped up, along with thunder and lightning. The mother was worried that her daughter would be frightened walking back home from school, and she herself feared the electrical storm might cause her harm. Following each roar of the thunder, lightning would cut through the sky like a flaming sword. Being very concerned, the mother got into her car and drove along the route to the school. Soon she saw her small child walking along. The thunder would boom, and then, at each flash of lightning, the child would stop, look and smile. One followed another, each time with her child stopping, looking up at the streak of light and smiling. Finally, the mother called out and asked, "Honey, what are you doing?" Her little girl answered, "God keeps taking pictures of me!"

[XiaoBaiTu]

In Singapore, the majority of us live in Highly Dangerous Buildings (HDB),

And most people have already got used to Paying and Paying (PAP).

Not only do you have to pay, you Pay Until Bankrupt (PUB).

If that's not enough, somebody still Purposely Wants to Dig (PWD) and get more from you.

So what more can you do when you are in the Money Only Environment (MOE)?

With the current Mad Accounting System (MAS), you are forced to Pay the Sum Ahead (PSA),

Which will leave some people Permanently Owing Some Banks (POSB).

And forced to live on the Loan Techniques Always (LTA) system.

When you fall sick and happen to be admitted to a Money Operating Hospital(MOH),

You might be able to use your Cash Prior to Funeral (CPF) fund.

If you are out of luck, you may meet doctors who Never Use Heart (NUH) to treat you,

And you will be Sure to Give up Hope (SGH).

To help ease the traffic, motorists have to pay Cash On Expressway (COE).

If that doesn't help, they can always Eternally Raise Prices (ERP) on the roads.

If you don't own a car, you can always make a Mad Rush to the Train (MRT),

OR get squashed in a bus Side By Side (SBS).

Lastly, under all these pressures, there are not many places we can relax,

Not even the good old place we used to go because it has become

So Expensive and Nothing To See Actually (SENTOSA)!!!

[XiaoBaiTu]

Little problem

Biff gets a call from his blondde girlfriend, Buffy. "I've got a problem," says Buffy.

"What's the matter?" asks Biff.

"Well, I've bought this jigsaw puzzle, but it's too hard. None of the pieces fit together and I can't find any edges."

"What's the picture of?" asks Biff.

"It's of a big Rooster," replies Buffy.

"All right," says Biff, "I'll come over and have a look."

So he goes over to Buffy's house and Buffy greets him saying, "Thanks for coming over."

Buffy leads Biff into her kitchen and shows him the jigsaw on the kitchen table.

Biff looks at the jigsaw and then turns to Buffy and says, "For Pete's sake - put the Cornflakes back in the Box."

[XiaoBaiTu]

The mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couple's house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house.

She saw her daughter-in law standing nakedd by the door.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the

daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're nakedd!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're !nakedd"

"My husband loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy. I would appreciate it if you would leave because he will be home from work any minute."

The mother-in-law was tired of all this romantic talk and left.

On the way home she thought about the love dress. When she

got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and waited by the front door.

Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her

standing nakedd by the door.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress" she replied.

He responded, "Needs ironing!"

[XiaoBaiTu]

An awful breakfast

One morning in a posh hotel breakfast room, a guest called over the head waiter. "Good morning, sir! I'd like to order two boiled eggs, one of them so undercooked that it's

runny, and the other so overcooked that it's tough. I also want some rubbery bacon, burnt toast, and butter that's so cold it's impossible to spread. Finally, I'll have a pot of extra-weak coffee, served at room temperature."

The bewildered waiter almost stuttered. "Sir! We cannot serve such an awful breakfast to you here!"

"Why not?" the guest replied. "That's what I got here yesterday!"

[XiaoBaiTu]

Mark 17

A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17.

Every hand went up.

The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only 16 chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

[XiaoBaiTu]

Grandma's Boyfriend

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A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with

his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and

said,

"Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to

heaven?"

Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom

and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and

the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend."

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started

adjusting the knobs, trying to get the pic ture i n focus. Frustrated,

she

started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door,

and there stood Grandma's minister.

The minister said, "Hello, son, is your Grandma home?"

The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her

boyfriend."

The minister fainted.

[XiaoBaiTu]

The Veterinary Clinic

Glenn took his dog to the veterinary clinic, and laid its limp body on the table. The doctor pulled out his stethoscope, listened to the dog's chest for a moment, then shook his head sadly. "I'm sorry, but your dog has passed away."

"What?" Glenn screamed. "You haven't even done any tests! I want another opinion."

The vet left the room and returned in a few moments with a Labrador Retriever. The Retriever sniffed the dog on the table carefully from head to toe. Finally, the Retriever shook it's head and barked once (meaning "dead and gone").

The vet took the Labrador away and returned a few minutes later with a cat, which also sniffed carefully over the dog on the table before shaking its head and saying, "Meow" (meaning "he's gone").

After the cat jumped off the table, the vet handed Glenn a bill for $600. The man shook the bill at the vet. "$600!!!! Just to tell me my dog is dead?!!! That's outrageous!"

The vet explained. "If you had taken my word for it, the charge would have been $50, but with the Lab work and the cat scan...."

[XiaoBaiTu]

Marriage Lies

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There was this couple that was married for 20 years, and every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was stupid. She figured she would break him out of the crazy habit.

So one night, while they were in the middle of a romantic session, she turned on the lights.

She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery operated pleasure devise. She got extremely upset. "You impotent bastard!" she screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly, "I'll explain the toy if you explain the kids."

[XiaoBaiTu]

Get well message

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs on his chest. Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown down enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily. Written in large black letters was the sentence.

"Get well quick..... from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week."

[XiaoBaiTu]

The Pastor's Mother and the Usher

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An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps. "Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.

"The front row please." she answered.

"You really don't want to do that", the usher said. "The pastor is really boring."

"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired."No." he said.

"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.

"Do you know who I am?" he asked.

"No." she said.

"Good," he answered.

[XiaoBaiTu]

Dinosaur Bones

Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the blondee guard, 'Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?'

The guard replies, 'They are 3 million,

four years, and six months old.'

'That's an awfully exact number,' says the

tourist. 'How do you know their age so precisely?'

The guard answers, 'Well, the dinosaur bones

were three million years old when I started

working here, and that was four and a half

years ago!'

[XiaoBaiTu]

Flight School

A blondee went to a flight school, insisting she wanted to learn to fly that day. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her on how to pilot the helicopter solo by radio.

He took her out, showed her how to start it, and gave her the basics and sent her on her way.

After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this."

After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was becoming to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in.

A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage.

When he asked what happened, she said, "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can't remember anything after I turned off the big fan."