Just a Joke

[pokmingsheng]

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades

[raydiative]

just to release some tension and for a laugh...

[raydiative]

MR BEAN

If Mr. Bean Had A Baby

If Mr. Bean Was In Avatar

If Mr. Bean Was Justin Bieber

If Mr. Bean Had A Daughter

If Mr. Bean Was Bin Laden

If Mr. Bean Was In Legally Blonde

If Mr. Bean Was In Orphan

If Mr. Bean Was A Pirate

If Mr. Bean Was Harry Potter

If Mr. Bean ran For President

If Mr. Bean Was Tomb Raider

If Mr. Bean Was In Twilight

If Mr. Bean Was Lady Gaga

[jackywongto]

Very timely comic relief bro. We really need this in times like this

[vurbul]

Just what I needed. :lol: :lol:

[comycus]

lol gotta keep this thread alive. Cracks me up all the time I read this thread.

[Eniram]

Punch lines

One day a man entered the bar and approached the bartender.

Bartender: "What can i get you mate?"

Man: "A condom and a couple of aspirins!"

The man placed the aspirins into the condom and ate it!

Bartender: "Whatcha DO that for Mate!!"

Man: "I've got a F*@#ing headache!"

[pokmingsheng]

agree..!!

reading thru all the old jokes never fail to make me smile..

realise that the initial posts alot of yellow jokes...

[pokmingsheng]

Some Blonde Jokes

A blonde was sitting outside a store crying..

the manager of the store spotted her and went outside and asked the blonde whats wrong..she said her mother just died..

and the manager said oh Im sorry..

the blondes cell phone starts to ring and she answers it and says hello..omg! are you serious!

.. an...d she hangs up and...

the manager asks her who that was and the blonde says...

that was my sister..her mom just died too!

A blonde calls her husband at work one day and asks him, "Can you help me when you get home?"

"Sure," he replies. "Whats the problem?" "Well, I started a really hard puzzle and I cant even find the edge pieces."

"Look on the box," he said. "Theres always a picture of what the puzzle is."

"Its a big rooster," she said.

...Th...e husband arrives home and tells his blonde wife,

"Okay, put the corn flakes back in the box."

A blonde quickly went out to her mailbox,checked it and went back in the house.

Few minutes later she checked her mail again.She did this five more times,

and her neighbor that was watching her commented: "You must be expecting a very important letter today

...the way you keep looking into that mail box."

The blonde answ...ered,

"No, I am working on my computer, and it keeps telling me that I have mail."

###### and Justin Timberlake were walking along the beach.

Suddenly, Justin says, "Aww, Britney, look at the dead birdie."

Britney looks up at the sky and says, "Where?!"

[pokmingsheng]

why is "B-r-i-t-n-e-y S-p-e-a-r-s" censored?

[Eniram]

Flight Attendant doing her round of drinks from the bar cart when she approaches passenger A

FA: "Sir what would like to have from the bar cart?"

Man: "Whisky pls!"

FA: "Neat or on the rocks?"

Man looks confused and shakes his head

Man: "On the rocks? No on the table!"

[Eniram]

Top 10 Funniest Things You've Ever Heard Someone Say At A Local Fish Store (LFS)...

10) Lady looks at the display tank and asks, "Is that a saltwater fish?" ("Yes Ma'am") Points to another fish in the same tank, and asks "Is that a saltwater fish too?"

9) I once heard a guy say to his girlfriend, "look hun...seahorses." Her reply was "Wow...those are real? I thought they were mythical animals like unicorns."

8) "The most expensive part of the hobby is the initial cost of the aquarium and stand."

7) "After a couple months this coral will grow out enough so you sell frags. The money will more than offset the cost of maintaining your tank."

6) So what kind of skimmer do you have? "Oh, I'm pretty sure it's a protein skimmer."

5) "Do blood shrimp need blood to survive?"

4) "...but it's called a purple REEF lobster, he couldn't have done anything wrong."

3) Standing in front of the LFS's 300 gallon reef, the owner and a man off the street are talking. The man asks "So how expensive is a saltwater tank?" To this the owner replies "It costs a bit to get everything started, but after that the only expense you have is food."

2) "If my wife comes in to buy me a gift card for Christmas, don't tell her that I've been in here this week.... better yet, act like you don't know who I am."

1) "I want to return this mag float because it had been floating in my tank for 2 weeks and has not collected any algae."

[pokmingsheng]

Why did the blonde put condoms on her ears?

She didn't want to get hearing Aids!

[albinosage]

True story from the multimedia presentation at the wedding of my lovely friends yesterday... Hope they won't mind me sharing

On their first date:

Girl - What did you order?

Boy - 'Medium' rare steak.

(After the meal)

Boy - Wow I'm still hungry!

Girl - You should have ordered a 'large'!

[BFG]

I was free today and happen to surf on Youtube. Key in Jeff Dunham, his shows are very funny! I laugh until my eyes were watery!

[pokmingsheng]

Something to laugh about on a WET Friday

Wife:'What are you doing?'

Husband: Nothing. ...

Wife: 'Nothing...? You've

been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'

Husband: 'I was looking for the expiry date.'

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Four nuns were painting a room.

Since it was very hot, they decided to take their clothes off.

A short time later there was a knock on the door."

Who's there?" they asked? A male voice responded, " the blind man."

The nuns decided not to put their clothes on and opened the door.

The man stepped into the room and said, ...

"OK sisters, where do you want me to put these blinds?"

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station

where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals.

One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

'Yes', said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.'

Little Johnny asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?'

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Little Johnny's at it again.....

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying,

'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!'

After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.

The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?'

'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you ...standing there all by yourself!'

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Pete & Mary were walking home from the pub.

Mary says i need a piss and goes behind a bush and drops her knickers.

Feelin horny pete puts his hand through the bush & feels something dangling between mary's legs.

He jokes have you changed your sex?

Mary says no, i've changed my mind, im having a poo!

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Q: Why do Blonde's always smile during lightning storms?

A: They think their picture is being taken.... :|

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

wife says 2 her husband,

'Bulls can have sex 3000 times a year, Why can't you?''

The husband replies,

'Ask the bull if he sleeps with the same cow every night !'

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

[poomoon]

I was free today and happen to surf on Youtube. Key in Jeff Dunham, his shows are very funny! I laugh until my eyes were watery!

' i kill you ... ' hahaha

[poomoon]

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic liberal ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man.. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when was the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out and relax! I mean, no sex since 1955! Come with me."

She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his grizzled bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."

haha this one really cracked me up.

[allantang]

i laugh the whole night...

[BFG]

' i kill you ... ' hahaha

Achmed The Terrorist. The Super hero was funny too!

[XiaoBaiTu]

A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith about enlarging her breasts.

Dr. Smith told her, "Every day after your shower, rub your chest and say, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies'." She did this faithfully for several months and it worked! She grew great ######!

One morning she was running late, got on the bus and realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. Frightened she might lose her lovely ###### if she didn't do the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus and said, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."

A guy sitting nearby asked "Are you a patient of Dr. Smith's by any chance?"

"Why, yes I am. How did you know?"

He leaned closer, winked and whispered, "Hickory dickory dock . . ."

[vt_snowman87]

Subject: Why Bill Gates decided not to invest further in Punjab

Microsoft's Bill Gates decided not to invest further in Punjab after

receiving a letter from Mr Banta Singh .

To : Bill Gates, Microsoft

From : Banta Singh of Punjab

Date : 1 April 2010

Subject : Problems with my new computer

Dear Mr. Bill Gates,

We bought a computer for our home and we have found some problems, which I

want to bring to your notice.

1. There is a button 'start' but there is no 'stop' button. We request you

to check this.

2. One doubt is whether any 're-scooter' is available in system? I find

only 're-cycle', but I own a scooter at my home.

3. There is 'Find' button but it is not working. My wife lost the door key

and we tried a lot to trace the key with this ' find 'button, but was

unable to trace. Please rectify this problem.

4. My child learnt 'Microsoft word' now he wants to learn 'Microsoft

sentence', so when you will provide that?

5. I bought computer, CPU, mouse and keyboard, but there is only one icon

which shows 'My Computer': when you will provide the remaining items?

6. It is surprising that windows says 'MY Pictures' but there is not even

a single photo of mine. So when will you keep my photo in that.

7. There is 'MICROSOFT OFFICE' what about 'MICROSOFT HOME' since I use the

PC at home only.

8. You provide 'My Recent Documents'. When you will provide 'My Past

Documents'?

9. You provide 'My Network Places' For God sake please do not provide 'My

Secret Places'. I do not want to let my wife know where I go after my

office hours.

Regards, Banta

Last one Mr. Bill Gates

P.S: "?Sir, how is it that your name is Gates but you are selling

WINDOWS ?"

[yikai]

Subject: Why Bill Gates decided not to invest further in Punjab

Microsoft's Bill Gates decided not to invest further in Punjab after

receiving a letter from Mr Banta Singh .

To : Bill Gates, Microsoft

From : Banta Singh of Punjab

Date : 1 April 2010

Subject : Problems with my new computer

Dear Mr. Bill Gates,

We bought a computer for our home and we have found some problems, which I

want to bring to your notice.

1. There is a button 'start' but there is no 'stop' button. We request you

to check this.

2. One doubt is whether any 're-scooter' is available in system? I find

only 're-cycle', but I own a scooter at my home.

3. There is 'Find' button but it is not working. My wife lost the door key

and we tried a lot to trace the key with this ' find 'button, but was

unable to trace. Please rectify this problem.

4. My child learnt 'Microsoft word' now he wants to learn 'Microsoft

sentence', so when you will provide that?

5. I bought computer, CPU, mouse and keyboard, but there is only one icon

which shows 'My Computer': when you will provide the remaining items?

6. It is surprising that windows says 'MY Pictures' but there is not even

a single photo of mine. So when will you keep my photo in that.

7. There is 'MICROSOFT OFFICE' what about 'MICROSOFT HOME' since I use the

PC at home only.

8. You provide 'My Recent Documents'. When you will provide 'My Past

Documents'?

9. You provide 'My Network Places' For God sake please do not provide 'My

Secret Places'. I do not want to let my wife know where I go after my

office hours.

Regards, Banta

Last one Mr. Bill Gates

P.S: "?Sir, how is it that your name is Gates but you are selling

WINDOWS ?"

:groupwavereversed: