Just a Joke

[Lester]

An awful breakfast

One morning in a posh hotel breakfast room, a guest called over the head waiter. "Good morning, sir! I'd like to order two boiled eggs, one of them so undercooked that it's

runny, and the other so overcooked that it's tough. I also want some rubbery bacon, burnt toast, and butter that's so cold it's impossible to spread. Finally, I'll have a pot of extra-weak coffee, served at room temperature."

The bewildered waiter almost stuttered. "Sir! We cannot serve such an awful breakfast to you here!"

"Why not?" the guest replied. "That's what I got here yesterday!"

hihi

u are finally back

[XiaoBaiTu]

Leaving money for the dead

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A Brooklyn lawyer, a used car salesman and a banker were gathered by a coffin containing the body of an old friend. In his grief, one of the three said, "In my family, we have a custom of giving the dead some money, so they'll have something to spend over there."

They all agreed that this was appropriate. The banker dropped a hundred dollar bill into the casket, and the car salesman did the same. The lawyer took out the bills and wrote a check for $300.

[XiaoBaiTu]

Having lost weight over the past few years, a lady was discarding things from her wardrobe that no longer fit.

Her seven-year-old niece was watching as she held up a huge pair of slacks.

"Wow," the lady said, "I must have worn these when I was 183."

Her niece looked puzzled, then asked, "How old are you now?"

[XiaoBaiTu]

This is Heaven

This 85-year-old couple, having been married almost 60 years, died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last 10 years, mainly due to her interest in health food and exercise.

When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen, master bath suite and Jacuzzi.

As they oohed and aahed, the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "It's free," Peter replied. "This is Heaven."

Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course in the backyard. They would have golfing privileges every day, and each week the course would change to a new one, representing the great golf courses on Earth.

The old man asked, "What are the greens fees?"

Peter's reply, "This is Heaven -- you play for free."

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out.

"How much to eat?" asked the old man.

"Don't you understand yet? This is Heaven, it's FREE!" Peter replied with some exasperation.

"Well, where are the low-fat and low-cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly.

Peter lectured, "That's the best part -- you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."

With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly.

Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here 10 years ago!"

[XiaoBaiTu]

A Singapore English radio station, was holding a live radio segment at a shopping mall.

The DJ was hosting a game show where prizes were given away to kids on stage if they could name the opposite gender of animals.

The first kid to come on stage was a girl.

"What's your name girl & how old are you?"

"My name is Cheryl & I am 8 years old."

"OK, tell me Cheryl, what is the opposite of cow?" "Bull."

"Very good! That's correct. Now here's a Barbie doll for you.

Ladies & gentlemen, please give her a round of applause."

The game then continued for the next 15 minutes in a similar fashion with the kids getting all the simple questions correct until it was

time for the 10th kid to come on stage.

The audience were very impressed with this kid as he was very clever & articulate from the moment he stepped on stage,

before being asked, announced, "My name is Johnny. I am 7 years old and I like English, Math & Art. My hobbies are collecting stamps & stickers."

The audience liked him immediately because of his confidence & had started to clap for him. His parents, standing right in front of the stage,

were beaming with pride at how smart their son was.

"OK, Johnny, you should know the answer to this question very well. Close 2 eyes also can answer. Tell me, what is the opposite of c.o.c.k?"

The young boy paused for a moment, scratched his head, moved closer to the microphone & finally answered proudly, "Chee Bai!"

[XiaoBaiTu]

Christmas Gloves

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A young man called Chris from London wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend.

They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Scotland.

Chris consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note ... not too romantic and not too personal.

Off he went with his sister to Harrods and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of sexy knickers for herself at the same time.

Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items ... the sister got the gloves and Chris unknowingly got the knickers.

Good old Chris sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter.

Dear Maggie,

I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove).

These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly noticed any marks.

I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them.

I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.

Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.

I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.

All my love, Chris

P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.

[XiaoBaiTu]

Late for Work

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Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed.

Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. "Boss," he said, "The pill actually worked!"

"That's all fine" said the boss. "But where were you yesterday?"

[DCH]

Welcome back XBT!

Really enjoy the jokes! Much appreciated!!

[XiaoBaiTu]

One day, 2 police officers at a local police post saw a man approaching them. It was obvious the man was just recently involved in a traffic accident. His clothes are torn and bloody and his left arm ends at his elbow, a bloody stump.

As the 2 police officers rushed to help the man, the man kept shouting about how the other driver ruined his expensive BMW. One of the officers comment to the other, "He is such a materialistic man, he lost his left arm and he is still complaining about his car."

Startled, the man looked at his left arm and let out a gasp. The police officers then realised that the man was not aware of his missing left arm due to the shock.

As police officers tried to calm the man down, the man started shouting, "Oh my god, not only did i lost my $200,000 BMW today, i also lost my $500,000 Rolex.

[XiaoBaiTu]

Two prawns were swimming around in the sea. One called Justin and the other called Kristian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Kristian, 'I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten.' A large mysterious cod appeared and said, 'Your wish is granted'

Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Kristian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate. Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight. While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn. He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal. 'Where's Kristian?' he asked.

'He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark', came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Kristian's abode. As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back.

He banged on the door and shouted, 'It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.'

Kristian replied, 'No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner.'

Justin cried back 'No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed..'.........

::::::::::

::::::::::

::::::::::

::::::::::

'I've found Cod.

I'm a Prawn again Kristian'

[Fuzzy]

Two prawns were swimming around in the sea. One called Justin and the other called Kristian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Kristian, 'I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten.' A large mysterious cod appeared and said, 'Your wish is granted'

Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Kristian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate. Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight. While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn. He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal. 'Where's Kristian?' he asked.

'He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark', came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Kristian's abode. As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back.

He banged on the door and shouted, 'It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.'

Kristian replied, 'No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner.'

Justin cried back 'No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed..'.........

::::::::::

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'I've found Cod.

I'm a Prawn again Kristian'

LMAO

[XiaoBaiTu]

Lipstick in School

According to a news report, a certain private school in Newcastle upon Tyne was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.

That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the Headmistress decided that something had to be done.. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little Geordie 'Princesses').

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers.......and then there are educators.

[Gouldian]

Good to have you back to share light-hearted moments.

Lipstick in School

According to a news report, a certain private school in Newcastle upon Tyne was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.

That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the Headmistress decided that something had to be done.. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little Geordie 'Princesses').

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers.......and then there are educators.

[XiaoBaiTu]

A man visits his doctor.

"I think I have a problem, doc," said the patient. "One of

my balls has turned blue."

The doctor examined the man briefly and concluded the

patient would die if they didn't have his testicle removed.

"Are you crazy?!" exclaimed the patient, "How could I let

you do such a thing to me?"

"Do you want to die?", asked the doctor rhetorically, and

the patient had to agree to have his testicle removed. But

two weeks after the operation, he came back.

"Doc, I don't know how to say this, but the other ball has

turned blue too."

Again, the doctor told him that if he wants to live, his

other testicle must be cut off too. And again, the man was

very reluctant. "Hey, do you want to die?", asked the doc,

and the patient had to agree to the operation.

But, about two weeks after he is testicleless, he returned

to the doctor. "I think something is very wrong with me. My

penis is now completely blue."

After briefly examining the patient once again, the doc

gives him the bad news. If he wants to live, his penis has

to go.

Of course, he did not want to hear about it. "You really

want to die?", asked the doctor.

"But... how do I pee?"

"We'll install an plastic pipe, and there will be no

problem."

So, the penis is removed and a while after the operation,

the unfortunate man again returns the doctor's office. He is

very angry.

"Doctor, the plastic pipe turned blue."

"What?"

"Can you tell me what a hell is happening?"

So, the doctor examined the patient more carefully this time, and says, "Hmmmm, I think its the jeans......"

[XiaoBaiTu]

Together Again

Agnes married and had 13 children. When her husband died, she married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died. So Agnes remarried and this time had 5 more children. Alas, she finally died.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, “Lord, they’re finally together.â€

One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, “Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?†The friend replied, “I think he means her legs.â€

[XiaoBaiTu]

A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game

The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun.

I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5;

You ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.'

This catches the blonde's attention; and, to keep him quiet, she agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question.

What's the distance from the earth to the moon?'

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer

Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?'

The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references.

He uses the airphone; he searches the Net and even the Library of Congress.

He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail.

After one hour of searching he finally gives up.

He wakes up the blonde and hands her

$500.

The blonde takes the $500 and goes back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer.

He wakes her up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?'

The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep!!!

[XiaoBaiTu]

At 85 years of age, Wally married Anne, a lovely 25 year old.

Since her new husband is so old, Anne decides that after their wedding she and Wally should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected 'knock' on the door.

Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Wally, her 85 year old groom, ready for action.

They unite as one.

All goes well, Wally takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Wally.

Again he is ready for more 'action.'

Somewhat surprised, Anne consents for more coupling.

When the newlyweds are done, Wally kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it..... Wally is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action.'

And, once again they enjoy each other.

But as Wally gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Wally.'

Wally, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Anne and says: .......'You mean I was here already?'

The moral of the story:

Don't be afraid of getting old, senior moments have advantages.

[XiaoBaiTu]

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2009 when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your mobile phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries..

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your mobile phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile : )

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list

AND NOW YOU ARE LAUGHING at yourself.

Go on, forward this to your friends. You know you want to.

[XiaoBaiTu]

An elderly couple came back from a wedding one afternoon and were in a pretty romantic mood. While sitting on their loveseat, the elderly woman looked at her companion and said: "I remember when you used to kiss me every chance you had."

The old man, feeling a bit obliged, leaned over and gave her a peck on the cheek. Then she said: "I also remember when you used to hold my hand at every opportunity." The old man, again feeling obligated, reached over and gently placed his hand on hers. The elderly woman then stated: "I also remember when you used to nibble on my neck and send chills down my spine."

This time, the old man had a blank stare on his face and started to get up off the couch. As he began to walk out of the living room, his wife asked: "Was it something I said? Where are you going?"

The old man looked at her and replied: "I'm going in the other room to get my teeth."

[XiaoBaiTu]

Dr Tan wanted to go bring his family to the movies in the evening, so he approached his partner, 'Dr Lim, I am going off early tonight, but please don't want to close the clinic early. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all my patients.'

'Yes, sir!' answers Dr Lim.

So Dr Tan goes for the family outing evening and came back happily and asks: 'So, Dr Lim, how was your evening?'

Dr Lim told him that he took care of three patients. 'The first one had a headache so I gave him TYLENOL.'

'Very good, how was the second one?' asks Dr Tan

'The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir,' says Dr Lim.

Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?' asks Dr Tan.

'Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a very sexy woman with nice huge breasts rushes into the room.

Very quickly, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra, her panties and lies down on the table and shouts: HELP ME - I haven't Seen a man in over two years!!

'Wah liao ehhhh!!!! so what did you do???!!!!' asks Dr Tan

Dr Lim replies 'Very simple, I put eye drops in her eyes!!

[XiaoBaiTu]

A man's wife had been in a coma in hospital for some time. As part of her continued care, her sheets were changed often and she was given sponge baths by a nurse.

During one of the sponge baths, the nurse noticed the wife reacted slightly when her private parts were washed.

The nurse spoke to the husband and explained that she had an unconventional idea that might bring his wife out of the coma. She explained the reaction and suggested that the husband should try ###### sex with his wife.

He quickly decided to give it a try, and shut the door for some privacy. After a few minutes, the alarms on the life support equipment began to sound. The nurse rushed into the room and was shocked to find that wife was dead!

"What happened!" screamed the nurse.

"I don't know," said the husband. "She must have choked!"

[XiaoBaiTu]

A quick laugh for 5min today..

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Teacher : History is a very interesting subject. It tells you about what had happened in the past.

Student : Please teacher, I don't think I want to study history.

Teacher : Why?

Student : There is no future in it.

............. ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... .

Teacher : Ted, if your father has $10 and you ask him for $6, how much would your father still have?

Ted : $10.

Teacher : You don't know maths.

Ted : You don't know my father!

............ ......... ......... ......... .......... .......... ......... ........

Mother : David, come here.

David : Yes, mum?

Mother : You really disappoint me. Your results are getting worse.

David : But I will only get my report book tomorrow.

Mother : I know that. But I am going to Hong Kong tomorrow, so I am scolding you now.

............. ......... ......... ......... ......... .......... ......... .........

Father : Why did you fail your mathematics test?

Son : On Monday, teacher said 3+5=8

Father : So?

Son : On Tuesday, she said 4+4=8 And on Wednesday, she said 6+2=8. If she can't make up her mind, how do I know the right answer?

............ .......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ........

A mother and son were doing dishes while the father and daughter were

watching TV in the living room. Suddenly, there was a loud crash of

breaking plates, then complete silence. The daughter turned to look at her father.

Daughter : It's mummy!

Father : How do you know?

Daughter : She didn't say anything.

.............. ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ........

Girl: Do you love me?

Boy: Yes Dear

Girl: Would you die for me?

Boy: No, mine is undying love

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --

Man: How old is your father?

Boy: As old as me

Man: How can that be?

Boy: He became a father only when I was born

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --

Waiter: I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.

Customer: Don't tell me your problems. Give me the menu card.

------------ --------- --------- --------- ---

Teacher : Simon, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did u copy his?

Simon : No, teacher, it's the same dog!

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --

Father : Your teacher says she finds it impossible to teach you anything!

Son : That's why I say she's no good!

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --

Teacher: "Where were u born?"

Student: " Singapore , Sir."

Teacher: "Which part?"

Student: "All of me, Sir."

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

A teacher was asking her class: "What is the difference between 'unlawful' and 'illegal'?" Only one hand shot up. "Ok, answer, Joan" said the teacher. "'unlawful' is when u do something the law doesn't allow and 'illegal' is a sick eagle."

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---

Teacher: "How come you do not comb your hair?"

Ah Kow: "No comb, Sir."

Teacher: "Use your dad's then."

Ah Kow: "No hair, Sir."

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

A boy came home from school with his exam results.

"What did u get?" asked his father.

"My marks are under water," said the boy.

"What do u mean 'under water'?"

"They are all below 'C' (sea) level"

[XiaoBaiTu]

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's mini-van and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night..

'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'

'Yes, I do.' Said Bob.

'Did you, err, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes!,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out,'I have to admit that I did..'

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'

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'She just died and left me everything.'

[XiaoBaiTu]

How do these people survive?

ONE

Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could

have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.

I asked for a half dozen nuggets.

'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the counter.

'You don't?' I replied.

'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply.

'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?'

'That's right.'

So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets (Unbelievable but sadly

true...)

TWO

I was checking out at the local Woolworths with just a few items and

the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked

up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and

placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.

After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the

'divider', looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.

Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this

is?'

I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that

today.'

She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left.

She had no clue to what had just happened.

THREE

A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive

and pulling it out very quickly.

When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on

the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was

using the ATM 'thingy.'

(Shi * ty death!!)

FOUR

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. 'Do you

need some help?' I asked.

She replied, 'I knew I! should have replaced the battery to this

remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they

(pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit

this?'

'Hmmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked.

'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car

keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I

replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and check about the

batteries. It's a long walk....'

PLEASE just lay down before you hurt yourself !!!

FIVE

Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift.

One day

she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of

typing paper.

What do I do?' 'Just use paper from the photocopier', the secretary

told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of

paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank'

copies.

Brunette, by the way!!

SIX

A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to

take her kid to the emergency room, the kid had eaten ants.

The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be

fine, the mother says, 'I just gave him some ant killer.....'

Dispatcher: 'Rush him in to emergency!'

I'm speechless.....honestly (shoot her please!!!)

[XiaoBaiTu]

"Doc," says Arthur, "I want to be castrated."

"What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.

"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I

want to have it done", replies Arthur.

"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor.

"It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no

going back. It will change your life forever!"

"I'm aware of that doc and you're not going to change my mind;

either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to

another doctor."

"Well, OK.", says the doctor, "but its against my better

judgment!"

So Arthur has his operations and the next day he is up and

walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with

his IV stand.

Heading toward him is another patient, who is walking exactly the

same way.

"Hi there", says Arthur. "It looks like you've just had the same

operation as me."

"Well", said the patient. "I finally decided after 37 years that

I would like to be Circumcised."

Arthur stared at him in horror...

"Shit, THAT'S THE WORD!!!!"