Just a Joke

[tanVincent]

Giving Birth

A young lady in the maternity ward, just prior to labor, is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.

"I'm afraid I don't have a husband," she replies.

"O.K. do you have a boyfriend?", asks the Midwife.

"No, no boyfriend either." "Do you have a partner then?"

"No, I'm unattached, I'll be having the baby on my own."

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black."

"Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in an adult movie. The lead man was black."

"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has ###### hair."

"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?"

"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes."

"Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."

At this the midwife again apologizes collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the rear.

The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Well thank God for that!"

"What do you mean?!" says the midwife, shocked.

"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that she was going to bark."

[tanVincent]

Five surgeons

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.

There's no guts, no heart, no brains and no spine, and the head and the rear end are interchangeable."

[tanVincent]

The cat and the rooster

A rooster and a cat were playing by the pool.

The cat fell in and the rooster laughed.

The cat said: "a wet ###### always makes a ###### happy."

[tanVincent]

HER SIDE OF THE STORY

He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar, I thought it might have been my fault because I was a bit late but he didn't say anything much about it.

The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately. We went to this restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny. I tried to cheer him up and started to wonder whether it was me or something else. I asked him, and he said no. But I wasn't really sure.

So anyway, in the cab on the way back to his house, I said that I love him and he just put his arm around me. I didn't know what the hell that meant because you know he doesn't say it back or anything. We finally got back to his place and I was wondering if he was going to dump me! So I tried to ask

him about it but he just switched on the TV. Reluctantly, I said I was going to go to sleep. Then after about 10 minutes, he joined me and we had ######.

But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to leave but I just cried myself to sleep. I dunno, I just don't know what he thinks anymore. I mean, do you think he's met someone else???

HIS SIDE OF THE STORY

My team lost. Felt Kinda Tired. Got laid though.

[tanVincent]

no one laughs, i stop posting liao lorz

[Dorado]

Good Job! And let me laugh now!!!!

[Lester]

:)

[LoReNsIa]

some of the joke i catch no ball.. but some are really funny... haha..

[nec]

[XiaoBaiTu]

The ###### and the Deodorant

The ###### walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist for some bottom deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don''t sell anything called bottom deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the ###### assures him that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more. "I''m sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don''t have any."

"But I always get it here," says the ######.

"Do you have the container it comes in?"

"Yes!" says the ######, "I will go and get it."

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist, who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."

The annoyed ###### snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container: "To apply, push up bottom."

[XiaoBaiTu]

There was a ###### who walked into a hair salon to get her hair done. she said to the man "Please, I would like you to perm my hair, I'm getting sick of it!" "Alright ma'm said the hair dresser, "but I need you to take off your headphones first"

"No I can said the ###### "I have to keep them on" "Fine said the man. So he did the perm then the lady left. About two months later, the lady comes back in asking for her hair to be highlighed. The man said okay but she would have to take off the headphones. But she insisted that she keep them on.

The man did her hair then put her under the dryer. About 10 minutes later, she was fast asleep. The man was curious as to why the headphones were so important. So he took them off her head and she stoped breathing. He put the headphones on and the tape said "Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in breathe out...."

[XiaoBaiTu]

A young lady in the maternity ward, just prior to labor, is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.

"I'm afraid I don't have a husband," she replies.

"O.K. do you have a boyfriend?", asks the Midwife.

"No, no boyfriend either." "Do you have a partner then?"

"No, I'm unattached, I'll be having the baby on my own."

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black."

"Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in an adult movie. The lead man was black."

"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has ###### hair."

"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?"

"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes."

"Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."

At this the midwife again apologizes collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the rear.

The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Well thank God for that!"

"What do you mean?!" says the midwife, shocked.

"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that she was going to bark."

[XiaoBaiTu]

A ###### named Mary decides to do something really wild. Something she hasn't done before, so she goes out to rent her first X-rated adult video.

She goes to the video store, and after looking around for a while, selects a title that sounds very stimulating.

She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR.

To her disappointment, there's nothing but static on the screen, so she calls the video store to complain.

Mary: "I just rented an adult movie from you and there's nothing on the tape but static."

Clerk: "Sorry about that. We've had problems with some of those tapes. Which title did you rent?"

Mary: "Head Cleaner."

[XiaoBaiTu]

Satanic Starbucks

A man died and went to straight down to hell. The devil greeted him and gave him a guided tour of the place. He told the man that there were three rooms he could chose from in which to spend eternity.

The first room was full of flames so hot the man couldn't even breathe. He told the devil that there was no way he was choosing that room. So they moved on.

The next room they came to was full of people who were being beaten and tortured. It looked so painful the man could not watch. He told the devil he definitely didn't want that room, and they moved on.

The last room they came to was full of people who were just sitting around drinking coffee and relaxing. The only thing was that they were standing around in about two feet of poop. The man looked for a while and then told the devil this room would be all right.

The devil gestured for him to sit down and the man took a seat. He did, sipped his coffee and felt really pleased with his choice. After a few minutes, a voice came over the loudspeaker and said, "Break time is over! Time for another 10,000 push-ups!"

[Achilles Tang]

Holy Thread Revival, Batman!

[XiaoBaiTu]

Bob, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He

sat down next to a ###### at the bar and stared up at the TV.

The 10:00 PM news was coming on.

The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large

Building preparing to jump.

The ###### looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Bob says, "You know, I bet he'll jump."

The ###### replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the ###### placed her money on the bar, the guy on the

ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The ###### was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob,

saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Bob replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the

5 PM news and so I knew he would jump."

The ###### replied, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."

Bob took the money.

[LoReNsIa]

Bob, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He

sat down next to a ###### at the bar and stared up at the TV.

The 10:00 PM news was coming on.

The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large

Building preparing to jump.

The ###### looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Bob says, "You know, I bet he'll jump."

The ###### replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the ###### placed her money on the bar, the guy on the

ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The ###### was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob,

saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Bob replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the

5 PM news and so I knew he would jump."

The ###### replied, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."

Bob took the money.

that girl is stupid.. lol...

[Lester]

that girl is stupid.. lol...

total agreed ~!!!

[XiaoBaiTu]

Hospital Names in Singapore

*Do you know why New Changi Hospital (NCH) changed its name to Changi

General Hospital (CGH)? *

*Because NCH stands for "Never Come Home". That's why business was very

bad before it changed its name. *

*Now CGH stands for "Can Go Home". So business is picking up.*

*Business in Singapore General Hospital (SGH) is still going strong

because SGH stands for "Sure Go** **Home"!*

*Now National University Hospital (NUH) is also considering a name

change.**

*It stands for "No Use Hospital "! *

*What about Tan Tock Seng Hospital (TTSH). Not too good a name, no

wonder so much problem.*

*It stands for " Tiam Tiam Si Hospital " and now ' *

*Tan** **Teo** SARs Hospital** **".*

*So, be careful of choosing which hospital to go if *

*So anyone is unwell ? *

[XiaoBaiTu]

A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other.

The Groom-to-be, hoping to overcome his fear, decided to ask his father for advice. "Father," he said, "I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage."

His father replied, "Do you love this girl?"

"Oh yes, very much," he said," but you see, I have very smelly feet, and I'm afraid that my fiance will be put off by them."

"No problem," said dad, "all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible, and always wear socks, even to bed." Well, to him this seemed a workable solution.

The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to discuss her problem with her mom." Mom," she said, "When I wake up in the morning my breath is truly awful."

"Honey," her mother consoled, "everyone has bad breath in the morning."

"No, you don't understand. My morning breath is so bad, I'm afraid that my fiance will not want to sleep in the same room with me."

Her mother said simply, "In the morning, get straight out of bed, and head for the kitchen and make breakfast. While the family is busy eating, go to the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you've brushed your teeth."

"I shouldn't say good morning or anything?" the daughter asked.

"Not a word," her mother affirmed.

"Well, it's certainly worth a try," she thought.

The loving couple were finally married. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well. That is, until about six months later. Shortly before dawn one morning, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his sockshad come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed.This, of course, wakes his bride and without thinking, she asks, "What on earth are you doing?"

"Oh, my god," he replies, "you've swallowed my sock!"

[XiaoBaiTu]

Rent for apartment

A man met a beautiful girl and she agreed to spend the night with him for $500.00. So they spent the night together.

In the morning, before he left, he told the girl that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a cheque and mail it to her, calling the payment "Rent for Apartment."

On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So, he sent a cheque for $250.00 and enclosed a note:

"Dear Madam,

Enclosed find a cheque in the amount of $250.00 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that:

1. It had never been occupied.

2. There was plenty of heat.

3. It was small enough to make me cosy and at home.

Last night, however, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large."

Upon receiving the note, the girl immediately sent back the following & reply.....

"Dear Sir:

First of all, I cannot understand how you expect such a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlord.

I will expect full payment due immediately or I will be forced to hire someone to remove your furniture."

[XiaoBaiTu]

This is called misfortune by itself ...

One morning at a doctor's surgery a patient arrives complaining of serious back-pain. The doctor examines him and asks him, "What happened to your back?"

The patient replies, "You know that I work for a local night club? This morning I got home to my apartment early and heard a noise in my bedroom. On entering I knew someone had been with my wife and the balcony door was open. I rushed out the balcony door and did not find anyone. As I looked down from the balcony I saw a man running out and he was dressing himself. I grabbed the fridge and threw it at him. That's how I strained my back."

The 2nd patient arrives looking as if he has been in a car wreck. The doctor said, "My previous patient looked bad, but you look terrible. What on earth happened to you?"

He replied, "You know I have been unemployed for a while now. Today was the first day at my new job. I forgot to set my alarm and was running late. I was running out of the building, getting dressed at the same time, and you won't believe it but I was hit by a fridge."

The 3rd patient arrives; he looks even worse than the other two. The doctor is shocked. She again asks, "What on earth happened to you?"

"Well I was sitting in a fridge and someone threw it from the 3rd floor."

[flamey]

Before the marriage:

He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.

She: Do you want me to leave?

He: NO! Don't even think about it.

She: Do you love me?

He: Of course!

She: Have you ever cheated on me?

He: NO! Why you even asking?

She: Will you kiss me?

He: Yes!

She: Will you hit me?

He: No way! I'm not such kind of person!

She: Can I trust you?

Now after the marriage you can read it from bottom to the top !!!!

[XiaoBaiTu]

This is a story about Ahbeng in search of a wife with the help of his mother, Ahkew. One day Ahbeng's mother bring home 3 pretty girls and introduce to Ahbeng.

The 3 pretty girls name and occupation :

1.) Ahuey - Telephonist

2.) Ahmoi - Primary Skool Teacher

3.) Ahlian - Bus Conductor

Ahbeng very sexcited lar of course then after a while of

chatting with the girls his mother asked him.

Ahkew : Ahbeng, how ? Which one you like the most ?

Ahbeng : I like Ahlian the most

Ahkew : Aiyoh bus conductor only wor! where got future wan? Ahmoi not bad leh! garmen work you know? good benefit, next time your children wanna goto skool also easy

Ahbeng : Ahmah dunwan laaa!!

Ahkew : Why dunwan?

Ahbeng : bcoz skool teacher they love to say "PLEASE REPEAT!! DO AGAIN!!! I Want it done 10 times...SOME MORE, SOME MORE!" Like this very tiring everynite I can die one ahmah!

Ahkew : aiyoo!!! then Ahuey lar! at least she is better than Ahlian

Ahbeng : Dunwan also! ahmah, she is telephonist la! they love to say "WAIT A MINIT! PLEASE HOLD ON!" dem potong stim lidat ahmah where got mood to make baby la?

Ahkew : Aiyoyo!!! then what u like about Ahlian so much? bus conductor only wor!!! Where got future one ?

Ahbeng : Ahmah you dunno wan la ... I always take mini bus to KL, those women bus conductor always say "BANG! MASUK BELAKANG!!! MASUK DALAM SIKIT!!! DALAM ADA TEMPAT!!! MASUK MASUK!!!" (in yingrish it means "go in behind, go deep inside! go deeper some more! inside still got place!! deeper! deeper!!!) everytime they say lidat i also very sexcited one !!!!

[XiaoBaiTu]

She was soooooooooooooo ######...

... she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

... she thought a quarterback was a refund.

... she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order

... she thought Boyz II Men was a day-care center.

... she thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools.

... she thought General Motors was in the Army.

... she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.

... she thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.

... under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics".

... she tried to drown a fish.

... she tripped over a cordless phone.

... she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it

said "concentrate".

... she got stabbed in a shoot-out.

... she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DONT WALK".

... they had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade.

... at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here," she put "Sagittarius".

... she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.

... it takes her two hours to watch "60 Minutes".

... she studied for a blood test-and failed.

... she thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train".

... she sold the car for gas money.

... when she saw the movie rating "NC-17: under 17 not admitted", she went home and got 16 friends.

... when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.

... she thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.

... when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.

... when she went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left", she turned around and went home.

... she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.