The Official SRC Joke Thread!

Achilles Tang · December 17, 2002

X'mas is coming!

Achilles Tang · December 17, 2002

X'mas is coming!

Achilles Tang · December 17, 2002

X'mas is coming!

Achilles Tang · December 17, 2002

X'mas is coming!

Achilles Tang · December 17, 2002

X'mas is coming!

Achilles Tang · December 17, 2002

Don't work overtime!!!

Achilles Tang · December 17, 2002

1. FUNNY STICKER OF THE DAY

"Witches Parking (All Others Will Be Toad)."

2. CAUTION! BEAR ALERT!

The Colorado State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen, and golfers to take extra precautions and be on the alert for bears while in the Dillon, Breckenridge, and Keystone areas.

They advise people to wear noise-producing devices, such as little bells, on their clothing to alert but not startle the bears unexpectedly. They also advise you to carry pepper spray, in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch for signs of bear activity. People should be able to recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings.

Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur.

Grizzly bear droppings have bells in them and smell like pepper spray.

3. YIELDING RIGHT OF WAY

Believe it or not...this is the transcript of an actual radio

conversation between a U.S. naval ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. The radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on October 10, 1995.

U.S. Ship: Please divert your course 0.5 degrees to the south to avoid collision.

CND Reply: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

U.S. Ship: This is the Captain of a U.S. Navy ship. I say again, divert your course.

CND Reply: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course!

U.S. Ship: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS CORAL SEA,WE ARE A VERY LARGE WARSHIP OF THE U.S. NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!!!

CND Reply: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

4. SLOGAN OF THE WEEK

Sign at a car repair place:

"Our work is exhausting!"

5. WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

A man walked into a bar one day, and he spotted a very attractive woman at the bar. He sat down next to her and asked her what her name was. She answered, "Carmen."

He said, "Oh, what a nice name. How did you get it?"

"Well." she said, "I like cars, and I love men. By the way, what's your name?"

"Oh, mine? It's Beersex."

Achilles Tang · December 17, 2002

HIGH TECH

A guy walks into a bar and sits down. After a few minutes, he starts

dialing numbers... like a telephone...but on the back of his hand. He

then flips his hand over, and starts talking into the palm of his hand.

The bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough neighborhood

and he doesn't need any trouble from weirdoes here.

The guy says, "You don't understand. I'm very hi-tech. I had a phone

installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular."

The bartender says, "Prove it!", so the guy dials up a number and hands his

hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries

on a brief conversation. "That's incredible," says the bartender, "I would

never have believed it!"

"Yeah," said the guy, "I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you

name it. By the way, where is the men's room?"

The bartender directs him to the men's room. The guy goes in, and 5,10,20

minutes go by, and he doesn't return. Fearing the worst, given the violence

in the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men's room.

The guy is spread-eagle against the wall. His pants are pulled down and he

has a roll of toilet paper shoved up his butt.

"What the hell!" said the bartender.

"Did the locals rob you? Are you hurt?"

The guy casually turns around, and says:

"No, I'm OK. I'm just waiting for a fax."

Achilles Tang · December 17, 2002

Space age pens

> Read this :

>

> When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they

> quickly discovered the ballpoint pens would not work

> in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA

> scientists spent a decade and $12 Billion to develop a

> pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down,

> underwater, on almost any surface including glass and

> at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300C.

> The Russians used a pencil.

Achilles Tang · December 17, 2002

1. RIDDLE ME THIS (ANSWER BELOW)

How many animals in all did Moses take on the ark?

2. WHAT HALLMARK DOESN'T PRINT

Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday, So we're having you put to sleep.

3. FLIGHT ATTENDANT

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.

Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."

4. ARRANGEMENTS

On their wedding night, the young bride went up to her new husband.

"Since we're married now, we can arrange our ###### life like this: In the evening, if my hair is done, that means I don't want ###### at all. If my hair is somewhat undone, that means I may or may not have ######. And if my hair is completely undone, that means I want ######."

"Okay sweetheart," the groom replied. "Just make sure, when I come home, I usually have a drink. If I have only one drink, that means I don't want ######. If I have two drinks, I may or may not want ######. But if I have three drinks, your hair doesn't matter."

5. MAYBE ANOTHER TIME

Father O'Malley walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The

Achilles Tang · December 17, 2002

Girl : Do you love me ?

Boy : Yes Dear

Girl : Would you die for me ?

Boy : No, mine is undying love

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Teacher: Desmond, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did u copy his?

Desmond: No, teacher, it's the same dog!

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Father: Your teacher says she finds it impossible to teach you anything!

Son : That's why I say she's no good!

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Manager : Sorry, but I can't give u a job. I don't need much help.

Job Applicant: That's all right. In fact, I'm just the right person in this case. You see, I won't be of much help anyway!

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Dad : Son, how can you call your aunt stupid? Go and say sorry to her.

Son :(goes over to the aunt) Aunt, I am sorry you are stupid.

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Teacher: How do u think Shakespeare wrote such masterpieces?

College student: With a pencil, ma'am, either a 2B or not 2B.

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Girl : Mum, teacher was asking me today if I have any brothers or sisters who will be coming to school.

Mum : That's nice of her to take such an interest, dear. What did she say when u told her u are the only child?

Girl : She just said, 'Thank goodness!'

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Teacher: Chong, u missed school last Friday.

Chong : You're wrong, Sir.

Teacher: Wrong, how is that?

Chong : I was absent, yes but I certainly didn't miss it!

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A teacher was asking her class: "What is the difference between 'unlawful' and 'illegal'?" Only one hand shot up. "Ok, answer, Joan," said the teacher. "'unlawful' is when u do something the law doesn't allow and 'illegal is a sick eagle."

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Doctor : I have some bad news and some very bad news.

Patient : Well, might as well give me the bad news first.

Doctor : The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.

Patient : 24 hours! That's terrible!! What could be worse? What's the very bad news?

Doctor : I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.

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Patient : I'm in a hospital! Why am I in here?

Doctor : You've had an accident involving a train.

Patient : What happened?

Doctor : Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?

Patient : Well... The bad news first ...

Doctor : Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.

Patient : That's terrible! What's the good news?

Doctor: There's a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers.

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Patient : How much to have this tooth pulled?

Dentist : $90.00.

Patient : $90.00 for just a few minutes work???

Dentist : I can extract it very slowly if you like.

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Teacher : How come you do not comb your hair?

Ah Kow : No comb, Sir.

Teacher : Use your dad's then.

Ah Kow : No hair, Sir.

eprouve · December 18, 2002