The Official SRC Joke Thread!

[Achilles Tang]

Subject: AH BENG JOKES

> > Humor-Ah Beng's Style

> > > Ah Beng wants to buy a TV set. He goes to a shop.

> > > Ah Beng : "Do you have color TV ?"

> > > Salesgirl : "Yes !"

> > > Ah Beng : "Give me a green one, please "

> > -----------------------------------------------------------

> > > Ah Beng is filling up an application form for a job.

> > > He supplied the information for the columns on Name, Age, Address

etc. Then he comes to column on "Salary Expected"

> > > He is not sure of the question.

> > > After much thought, he writes " Yes "

-----------------------------------------------------------

> > Ah Beng goes to a store and sees a shiny object.

> > > Ah Beng : "What is that shiny object ?"

> > > Salesgirl : "That is a thermos flask."

> > > Ah Beng : "What does it do ?"

> > > Salesgirl : "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold"

> > > Ah Beng : "I'll buy it"

> > >

> > > The next day, Ah Beng goes to work with his thermo flask

> > > Boss : "What is that shiny object ?"

> > > Ah Beng : "It's a thermos flask."

> > > Boss : "What does it do ?"

> > > Ah Beng : "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold"

> > > Boss : "What do you have in it !?"

> > > Ah Beng : "Two cups of coffee and one cup of ice cream"

> > > ------------------------------------------------------------------

> > > After taking photocopies of documents,

> > > Ah Beng always compares it with the original for spelling mistakes.

> > > ------------------------------------------------------

> > > Ah Beng always smiles during lightning storms because he thinks his

> > > picture is being taken.

> > > --------------------------------------------------------------

> > > Why can't Ah Beng dial 911 ?

> > > Because he can't find the number 11 (eleven) on the phone.

> > > ------------------------------------------------------------

> > > Ah Beng had just bought a new computer and was using it.

> > > When he encountered some problems.

> > > He decide to use the 'Help' command after some tries.

> > > Soon after, he became very irritated and called the computer retailer

> > > for support.

> > >

> > > Ah Beng : "I press the 'F1' key for help ah but it's been over half an

> > > hour & still nobody come and help me Lah ?!"

> > >

> > > --------------------------------------------------

> > >

> > > Ah Beng with two red ears went to his doctor.

> > > The doctor asked him what had happened to his ears and he answered,

> > > "I was ironing a shirt and the phone ring Lah - but instead of

picking up

> > > the phone, I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear

>Lah"

> > > "Oh dear !" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But ... what happened

>to the other ear ?"

> > > Ah Beng answered : "That stupid dumbo called back Lah !!!!"

> > >

> > > -------------------------------------------------

> > >

> > > Ah Beng talk to a long-distance telephone operator.

> > > Ah Beng : "COULD YOU PLEASE TELL ME THE TIME DIFFERENCE BETWEEN

Taipei AND LAS VEGAS ?"

> > > Operator : "JUST A MINUTE..."

> > > Ah Beng : "THANK YOU Lah" AND PUTS DOWN THE PHONE.

> > > -------------------------------------------------

> > After completing a jigsaw puzzle he'd been working on for quite some time,

> > > Ah Beng proudly shows off the finished puzzle to a friend.

> > > "It took me ONLY 5 MONTHS TO DO IT", Ah Beng brags.

> > > "FIVE MONTHS ? THAT'S TOO LONG", the friend exclaims. "YOU ARE A FOOL."

> > > Ah Beng replies, "SEE THIS BOX, IT IS WRITTEN FOR 4-7 YRS".

> > > ------------------------------------------------

> > At a bar in New York, the man to Ah Beng's left tells the bartender,

> > > "JOHNNIE WALKER, SINGLE", and his companion says, "JACK DANIELS,

> > > SINGLE".

> > > The bartender approaches Ah Beng and asks, "AND YOU, SIR ?"

> > > Ah Beng replies : "Tan Ah Beng, MARRIED Lah"

[Achilles Tang]

> Dangerous Application to install

>

> -------------------------------------------------

> Dear Tech Support:

>

> Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a

> slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the flower and

> jewellery applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend

> 5.0.

>

> In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such

> as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, but installed undesirable

> programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0.

> And now Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply

> crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems,

> but to no avail.

>

> What can I do?

>

> Desperate

>

> ***************************

>

> Dear Desperate:

>

> First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while

> Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

> Try to enter the command: C:/I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and download Tears

> 6.2 to install Guilt 3.0.

>

> If all works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the

> applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

> But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy

> Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program

> that

> will create Snoring Loudly. WAV files.

>

> Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 or reinstall another

> Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash

> Husband 1.0.

>

> In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited

> memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider

> buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I

> personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.

>

> Good Luck,

>

> Tech Support!

>

> Dear (IT) Technical Support:

> I am desperate for some help. I recently upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0

> to Wife 1.0 and found that the new program began unexpected child

> processing and also took up a lot of space and valuable resources. This

> wasn't

> mentioned in the product brochure. In addition Wife 1.0 installs

> itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization

> where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Boys

> Night

> Out 2.5, and Golf 5.3 no longer run and crash the system whenever

> selected.

> Attempting to operate Saturday Rugby 6.3 always fails but Saturday

> Shopping 7.1 runs instead. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the

> background

> whilst attempting to run any of my favourite applications. I am thinking

> about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 but uninstall doesn't work on this

> program.

>

> Can you please help.

>

> Joe

>

> -----

>

> Reply from Technical Support

> Dear Joe,

> This is a very common problem resulting from a basic

> misunderstanding.

>

> Many men upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 thinking that Wife1.0 is

> merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING

> SYSTEM

> designed by its creator to run everything. You are unlikely to be

> able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0 as Wife

> 1.0

> is not designed to do this and it is impossible to uninstall, delete or

> purge the program files from the system once installed. Some people have

> tried

> to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but have ended up with even more

> problems. (See in manual under alimony/Child Support and Solicitors

> Fees).

> Having Wife 1.0 installed myself I recommend you keep it installed

> and deal with the difficulties as best you can. When any faults or

> problems

> occur, whatever you think has caused them, you must run the C:\I

APOLOGISE

> program and avoid attempting to use the *Esc-key. It may be necessary to

> run

> C:\I APOLOGISE a number of times but hopefully eventually the operating

> system will return to normal. Wife 1.0 although a very high maintenance

> program can be very rewarding. To get the most out of it consider buying

> additional software such as Flowers 2.0 and Chocolates 5.0. Do not under

> any

> circumstances install Secretary (Short Skirt version) as this is not

> a supported application for Wife 1.0 and the system will almost

> certainly crash.

> Regards,

>

> Technical Support!

>

[Achilles Tang]

Letter from an Indian mother to her son.... Read it carefully...it's

hilarious!!!

My dear Jagjit, I am in a well here and hoping you are also in a well

there. I'm writing this letter slowly, because I know you cannot read

fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the

newspaper that most accidents happen 20 miles from home, so we moved 20

miles.

I won't be able to send the address as the last Sardar who stayed here

took

the house numbers with them for their new house so they would not have to

change their address.

Hopefully by next week we will be able to take our earlier address plate

here, n that our address will remain same too. This place is really nice.

It even has a washing machine, situated right above the toilet I'm not

sure

it works too well. Last week I put in 3 shirts, pulled the chain and

haven't seen them since.

The weather here isn't too bad. It rained only twice last week. The first

time it rained for 3 days and second time for 4 days. The coat you wanted

me to send you, your Aunt said it would be a little too heavy to send in

the mail with all the metal buttons, so we cut them off and put them in

the

pocket.

Your father has another job. He has 500 men under him. He is cutting the

grass at the cemetery.

By the way I took Bahu to our club's poolside. The manager is Badmash. He

told her that two piece swimming suit is not allowed in his club. We were

confused as to which piece should we remove?

Your sister had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether it is a

girl or a boy, so I don't know whether you are an Aunt or Uncle.

Your uncle, Jetinder fell in the nearby well. Some men tried to pull him

out, but he fought them off bravely and drowned. We cremated him and he

burned for three days.

Your best friend, Balwinder, is no more. He died trying to fulfill his

father's last wishes. His father had wished to be buried in the sea after

he died. And your friend died while in the process of digging a grave for

his father.

There isn't much more news this time. Nothing much has happened.

Love Mom.

P.S : Jagjit, I was going to send you some money but by the time I

realized, I had already sealed off this letter.

[derf]

Alas!

Two men were walking home after a party and decided to take a shortcut

through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery

they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty

shadows.

Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel,

chipping away at one of the headstones.

"Holy cow, Mister", one of them said after catching his breath, "you scared

us half to death---we thought you were a ghost or something! What are you

doing working here so late at night?" "Those fools!" the old man grumbled.

"They misspelled my name!"

=====================================================

There were these three guys at a cafe, drinking their coffee - an

> American guy, a black guy, and an Ah Beng.

>

> They see a really attractive waitress and comment on her good looks.

> Next thing you know they start making bets on who can get her to go

> out with them first.

>

> The waitress overhears them, and she goes up to them and says, "Hey,

> I heard you talking about me. Well, I like an intelligent guy, so

> let's see who can make the best sentence using the words 'liver' and

> 'cheese'."

>

> So the American guy goes, "That's easy. I love liver and I hate cheese."

>

> The waitress shakes her heard in disgust.

>

> The black guy goes, "Well, I hate liver and I love cheese."

>

> The waitress says, "That is so stupid. That's essentially the same

> thing!"

>

> Then the Ah Beng steps up and puts his arm around the waitress' waist.

>

> "Liver alone, cheese mine!"

> ( leave her alone, she is mine ) !!!

=====================================================

In a New York park, a young boy was attacked by a savage dog.

A passer-by happened to come upon the attack and came to the rescue.

Having tackled the dog, he strangled it to death.

A reporter for the New York Times was watching all this and took snap shots for a front page picture in the next day's paper.

Approaching our hero he says: "Your heroic feat shall be published in tomorrow's paper under the headline - Brave New Yorker Rescues Boy".

"I'm not from New York" replied our brave hero.

"Oh in that case we'll change the headline - Brave American Rescues Boy from Savage Dog".

"I'm not American either" replied our brave hero.

On being asked about from where he really was, our hero replied "I'm a Pakistani".

The next day, the headline on the front page of The New York Times read: "Muslim Fundamentalist strangles dog violently to death in New York Park ?

FBI investigating possible link to Al-Qaeda...."

=====================================================

Once Banta Singh attended an Interview.

Interviewer: Give me the opposite words.

Banta Singh: Ok

Interviewer: Made in India

Banta Singh: Destroyed in Pakistan

Interviewer: Keep it Up

Banta Singh: Put it Down

Interviewer: Maxi Mum

Banta Singh: Mini Dad

Interviewer: Enough! Take your Seat

Banta Singh: Don't take my seat

Interviewer: Idiot! Take your Seat

Banta Singh: Clever! Don't take my Seat

Interviewer: I say you get out!

Banta Singh: You didn't say I come in

Interviewer: I reject you!

Banta Singh: You Appoint me

Interviewer: ....!!!!!!!

==============================================

Santa Singh: What is another difference between a mosquito and a fly?

Banta Singh: A fly can fly but a mosquito cannot mosquito .

==============================================

Banta: When did George Washington die?

Santa: two days before his funeral.

==============================================

Banta: Tell me five FERROCIOUS animals you can think of.......

Santa: 3 Lions and 2 Tigers.

==============================================

Banta Singh was in court charged with parking his car in a

restricted area.

the Judge asked him if he had anything to say in his defence.

"They should not put up such misleading notices", said Banta Singh.

"It said, FINE FOR PARKING HERE"

==============================================

Santa Singh and Banta Singh were always boasting of their parents achievements to each other.

Santa Singh : Have you ever heard of the Suez Canal?

Banta Singh : Yes I have.

Santa Singh : Well, my father dug it.

Banta Singh : That's nothing, have you ever heard of Dead Sea?

Santa Singh : Yes I have.

Banta Singh : Well, my father killed it.

==============================================

An elderly woman went to a doctor for advise as how to revive her husband's ###### drive.

What about trying ######?' asked the doctor.

"Not a chance," said Mrs. Murphy. "He won't even take aspirin for

headache."

"No problem," replied the doctor. "Drop it into his coffee, he won't even notice it.

Try it and then call me in a week to let me know how things went."

A week later, Mrs. Murphy called the doctor and told him of the current situation.

"Oh it was terrible, just terrible, doctor."

"What happened?" asked the doctor.

"Well I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was immediate.

He jumped straight up, swept the cutlery off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes off and then proceeded to make passionate love to me on the tabletop.

It was terrible."

"What was terrible?" asked the doctor. "Was the ###### not good?"

"Oh no, doctor, the ###### was the best I've had in 25 years, but I'll never be able to show my face in Starbuck's again after that incident at the coffeeshop!"

[derf]

Subject: Intelligent Answers

In a classroom

--------------

Teacher: Sam, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly same as your

brother's. Did you copy his?

Sam: No, teacher, it's the same dog!

*****************

Teacher: How come you do not comb your hair?

Sam: No comb, sir.

Teacher: Use your dad's then.

Sam: No hair, sir.

*****************

Teacher: What's the chemical formula for water?

Sam: "HIJKLMNO".

Teacher: What?!

Sam: Yesterday you said it's H to O!

******************

Teacher: Sam, give me a sentence starting with "I".

Sam: I is .....

Teacher: No, Sam, always say "I am ...."

Sam: Alright ... umm ... "I am the 9th letter of the 26 alphabets"

******************

Teacher: If I have 7 oranges in one hand and 8 on the other, what would I

have?

Class: Big Hands!!!!!!

******************

In Sam's house

--------------

Father: Your teacher says she finds it's impossible to teach you anything!

Sam: That's why I say she's no good!

******************

Father: Sam, how can you call your aunt stupid? Go and say sorry to her.

Sam: (to the aunt) Aunt, I'm sorry you're stupid.

******************

Sam: Mom, teacher was asking me today if I've any brothers or sisters who

will be coming to school.

Mom: That's nice of her to take such an interest, dear. So what did she

say when you told her you're the only child, my dear?

Sam: She just said ... 'Thanks goodness!'

******************

Sam: Dad, can you write in the dark?

Dad: I think so, what do you want me to write?

Sam: Your name on my report card.

******************

In a clinic

-----------

Doctor: I've "bad news" and "very bad news" for you.

Patient: Well, might be better give me the bad news first.

Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you've 24 hours

to live.

Patient: What?! 24 hours! That's terrible! That could be even worse then?

Tell me the very bad news.

Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.

[Achilles Tang]

George went on a vacation to the Middle East with most of his family

including his mother-in-law.

During their vacation and while they were visiting Jerusalem, George's

mother-in-law died.

With the death certificate in hand, George went to the American

Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the

States for proper burial.

The Consul, after hearing of the death of the mother-in-law told George

that the sending of a body back to the States for burial is very, very

expensive. It could cost as much as $5,000.00. The Consul continues, in

most cases the person responsible for the remains normally decides to

bury the body here. This would only cost $150.00.

George thinks for some time and answers, "I don't care how much it will

cost to send the body back; that's what I want to do."

The Consul, after hearing this, says "You must have loved your

mother-in-law very much considering the difference in price."

"No, it's not that," says George. "You see, I know the story of a

person

buried here in Jerusalem many years ago. On the third day he arose from

the dead!

I just can't take that chance...

[Achilles Tang]

>

> Subject: Fw: Ducks

>

>

>

> Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they

get

> > there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in

heaven...don't

> step

> on

> > the ducks." So they entered heaven, and sure enough, there are

ducks all

> > over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and

> although

> > they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally

steps on

> > one.

> >

> >

> > Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St.Peter

chains

> > them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is

to

> spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

> >

> >

> > The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck, and

along

> comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another

> extremely

> ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for

the

> first

> > woman.

> >

> >

> > The third woman has observed all this and not wanting to be chained

for

> all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She

> manages

> > to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter

comes

> up

> > to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on very

tall,

> > tanned and muscular. St. Peter chains them together and leaves

without

> > saying a word.

> >

> >

> > The woman remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to

you

> for

> > all of eternity?" The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I

stepped

> on

> a

> > duck."

[Achilles Tang]

Subject: FW: Joke - Genie World Peace

>

>

> >

> >A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled

> >upon a bottle. She picked it up and rubbed it, and

> >lo-and-behold a Genie appeared.

> >

> >The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The

> >Genie said "Nope, sorry three-wish genies are a

> >story-tale myth. I'm a one-wish genie."

> >

> >The woman didn't hesitate. She said "I want peace in

> >the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries

> >to stop fighting with each other and I want all the

> >Arabs to love Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It

> >will bring about world peace and harmony."

> >

> >The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed "Lady, be

> >reasonable. These countries have been at war for

> >thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a

> >bottle for five hundred years. I'm good but not THAT

> >good! Don't think it can be done. Make another wish

> >and please make it a bit more reasonable."

> >

> >The woman thought for a minute and said "Well, I've

> >never been able to find the right man. You know, one

> >that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps

> >with the housecleaning, is great in bed and gets along

> >with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and

> >is faithful. That's what I wish for, a good mate."

> >

>

>

>

> >The Genie let out a long sigh, shook his head and said

> >"Let me see that fuckin' map again..."

> >

> >

>

[Achilles Tang]

> > If you are pregnant, better pay attention where you sit ! This is from

an

> > actual trial in the UK:

> >

> > A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. When she

> > noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on

account

> > of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She

> > moved again and then on her third move he burst out laughing. She had

him

> > arrested.

> >

> > Then the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he

acted

> > in such a manner.

> >

> > His reply was:

> >

> > "When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was

pregnant.

> > She sat under an advertisement, which read: 'Coming Soon: The Gold Dust

> > Twins'.

> >

> > I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving dvertisement, which

> > read:'William's Stick Did The Trick'.

> >

> > Then I could not control myself any longer when on the third move she

sat

> > under an advertisement, which read: 'Dunlop Rubber would have prevented

> > this accident.' "

> >

> > The case was dismissed.

[Achilles Tang]

EVER WONDER

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavour, and dishwashing

liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why isn't there mouse-flavoured cat food?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes,

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to send this to

someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle)...

in other words send it to everyone. We all need to smile every once in a while.

[newdamsel]

>George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?

>Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.

>George: Great. Lay it on me.

>Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.

>George: That's what I want to know.

>Condi: That's what I'm telling you.

>George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?

>Condi: Yes.

>George: I mean the fellow's name.

>Condi: Hu.

>George: The guy in China.

>Condi: Hu.

>George: The new leader of China.

>Condi: Hu.

>George: The Chinaman!

>Condi: Hu is leading China.

>George: Now whaddya' asking me for?

>Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.

>George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?

>Condi: That's the man's name.

>George: That's who's name?

>Condi: Yes.

>George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?

>Condi: Yes, sir.

>George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.

>Condi: That's correct.

>George: Then who is in China?

>Condi: Yes, sir.

>George: Yassir is in China?

>Condi: No, sir.

>George: Then who is?

>Condi: Yes, sir.

>George: Yassir?

>Condi: No, sir.

>George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.

>Condi: Kofi?

>George: No, thanks.

>Condi: You want Kofi?

>George: No.

>Condi: You don't want Kofi.

>George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.

>Condi: Yes, sir.

>George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.

>Condi: Kofi?

>George: Milk! Will you please make the call?

>Condi: And call who?

>George: Who is the guy at the U.N?

>Condi: Hu is the guy in China.

>George: Will you stay out of China?!

>Condi: Yes, sir.

>George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.

>Condi: Kofi.

>George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.

>(Condi picks up the phone.)

>Condi: Rice, here.

>George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?

[Achilles Tang]

WARNING: Pls practice religious tolerance while reading it...

Val

_______________________

> > >About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had

to

> > leave

> > >Rome. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community.

> > >So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a

member

> > of

> >

> > >the Jewish community.

> > >If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews

would

> > leave.

> > >The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked a

middle

aged

> > >man named Moishe to represent them.

> > >To make it more interesting, Moishe requested that neither side

would

be

> > >allowed to talk. The Pope agreed.

> > >

> > >The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat

opposite

each

> > >other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and

showed

three

> > >fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger.

> > >

> > >The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe

pointed

> > to

> >

> > >the ground where he sat.

> > >

> > >The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled

out an

> > >apple.

> > >The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The

Jews

> > can

> > >stay."

> > >

> > >An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him

what

> > had

> >

> > >happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to

represent

the

> > >Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that

there

> > was

> >

> > >still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger

around

> >

> > >me to show him that God was all around us.

> > >

> > >He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was

also

> > right

> > >here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God

absolves

> > us

> >

> > >from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original

sin. He

> > had

> > >an answer for everything. What could I do?"

> > >

> > >Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe."What

> > happened?"

> >

> > >they asked.

> > >"Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had three

days

> > to

> >

> > >get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving.

> > >

> > >Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I

let

him

> > >know that we were staying right here."

> > >"Yes, yes,.. and then???" asked the crowd.

> > >"I don't know," said Moishe, "He took out his lunch, and I took

out

> > mine."

> > >

[Achilles Tang]

> Subject: FW: GIRLS, please take note!!!!

>

>

>

> We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the

rules

> from the male side. These are our rules ! Please note these are all

> numbered "1" ON PURPOSE !

>

> 1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put

it

> down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitching

about

> you leaving it down.

>

> 1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

>

> 1. Saturday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the

> tides. Let it be.

>

> 1. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive

than

> short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that

> married women always cut their hair.

>

> 1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of

it

> that way.

>

> 1. Crying is blackmail.

>

> 1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints

do

> not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just

say

> it!

>

> 1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a

> calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

>

> 1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think

we'd

> be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good

with

> your dress?

>

> 1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost

everyquestion.

>

> 1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.

That's

> what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

>

> 1. Check your oil! Please.

>

> 1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In

> fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

>

> 1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We

refuse

> to answer.

>

> 1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the

> ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

>

> 1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.

>

> 1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it

> done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it

> yourself.

>

> 1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during

> commercials.

>

> 1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

>

> 1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings.

> Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. We have no idea what

mauve

> is.

>

> 1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that..it's genetic.

>

> 1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of

> mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

>

> 1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like

> nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the

> hassle.

>

> 1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an

answer

> you don't want to hear.

>

> 1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is

fine.

> Really.

>

> 1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to

> discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation or monster

> trucks.

>

> 1. You have enough clothes.

>

> 1. You have too many shoes.

>

> 1. No NO you really do have too many shoes.

>

> 1. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz

> together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.

>

> 1. BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

>

> 1. I'm in shape. ROUND is a shape.

>

>

> Fair don't you think??

[Achilles Tang]

Urinalysis

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him,

"My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.

"There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it

a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do

about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot

cheaper than a doctor."

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the

drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for

the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds

later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm

in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began

wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool

sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and

masturbated into the mixture for good measure.

Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits

ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer

prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. 2. Your dog has

ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. 3. Your daughter has a

cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls.

They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If you don't stop playing with

yourself, your elbow will never get better.

[Achilles Tang]

1. RIDDLE ME THIS (answer at the end)

Here is a well-known proverb with the consonants removed. What is the proverb?

A **i*** i* *i*e *a*e* *i*e.

2. CHEMISTRY EXAM

Two guys were taking chemistry at the University of Alabama. They were so confident going into the final that two days before, they decided to go up to the University of Tennessee and party with some friends. They had a great time. However, they overslept and didn't make it back to Alabama until the morning of the exam.

Rather than take the final, they found their professor afterward to explain why they missed the final. They told him that they went up to the University of Tennessee for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back, and didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time, so they were late in getting back to campus. The professor thought this

over and told them they could make up the final on the following day.

The two guys were relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day for the final. The professor placed them in separate rooms, and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin.

They looked at the first problem, which was worth 5 points. It was something simple. "Cool," they thought. "This is going to be easy." They did that problem and then turned the page. Question #2 said: "Which tire? (95 Points)."

3. HE SAID, SHE SAID

What a woman says:

This place is a mess! C'mon!

You and I need to clean up!

Your stuff is lying on the floor and

you'll have no clothes to wear if we

don't do laundry right now!

What a man hears:

Blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON!

Blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I

Blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR

Blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES

Blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW!

ANSWER: A stitch in time saves nine.

[Achilles Tang]

..

[Achilles Tang]

> Subject: 6 Classic Affairs

>

>

> The First Affair

>

> There was a middle-age couple that had two stunningly

> beautiful ######-age daughters. The couple decided to try

> one last time for the son they always wanted.

> After months of trying, the wife became pregnant and, sure enough,

> delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later. The joyful

> father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

> He took one look and was horrified to find

> the ugliest child he had ever seen.

> He went to his wife and said that there was no way that he

> could be the father of the child.

> "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered," he cried.

> Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been

> fooling around on me?"

> The wife smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time."

>

>

>

> The Second Affair

>

> A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to

> examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or

> cremated. As he examined the body of Mr Schwartz, he made an

amazing

> discovery - Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen!

> "I'm sorry, Mr Schwartz," said the mortician, "but I can't

> send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part

> like this. It has to be saved for posterity." And with that the

> coroner used

> his scalpel to remove the dead man's privates. The coroner stuffed

> his prize into a briefcase and took it home.

> The first person he showed was his wife. "I have something to show

> you that you won't believe," he said, opening his briefcase.

> "Oh, my God!" she screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"

>

>

>

> The Third Affair

>

> > A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband

> opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner!"

> She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him

> with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she

whispered.

> "Just pretend you're a statue."

> What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

> "Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths

> bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us,

> too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night

> when

> they went to sleep. Around 2 a.m., the husband got out of bed,

> went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and

a

> glass of milk. "Here," he said to the statue, "eat something. I

stood

> like an

> idiot at the Smiths' for three days, and nobody offered me as much

> as a glass of water."

>

>

> The Fourth Affair

>

> A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bartender

> and asks for a beer.

> "Certainly, sir," replies the bartender. "That'll be 1 cent."

> "ONE CENT!" exclaims the customer.

> The barman replies, "Yes."

> So the guy glances over the menu and asks, "Could I have a

> nice juicy T-bone steak with chips, peas and a fried egg?"

> "Certainly, sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes

> to real money."

> "How much money?" inquires the guy.

> "Four cents," the bartender replies.

> "FOUR cents!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns

> this place?"

> The bartender replies, "Upstairs with my wife."

> The guy asks, "What's he doing with your wife?"

> The bartender replies, "Same as I'm doing to his business."

>

> The Fifth Affair

>

> Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight

> vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down

her

> face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and

his

> pale

> lips began to move slightly, "My darling Becky," he whispered.

> "Hush, my love," she said. "Rest. Shhh, don't talk."

> He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have

> something I must confess to you."

> "There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky.

> "Everything's all right. Go to sleep."

> "No, no, I must die in peace, Becky. I slept with your sister,

> your best friend, her best friend and your mother!"

> "I know," Becky whispered softly, "That's why I poisoned you."

>

>

>

> The Sixth Affair

>

> An elderly gent was invited to his old friend's home for dinner

> one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every

> request to his wife with endearing terms - "Honey," "My Love,"

> Darling," "Sweetheart," "Pumpkin," etc. The couple had been

> married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in

> love.

> While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to

> his host, "I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you

> still call your wife those loving pet names."

> The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth," he said.

> I forgot her name about 10 years ago

[Achilles Tang]

Your Loving Daughter, Mary

Dear Mom and Dad,

It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down. YOU ARE NOT TO READ ANY FURTHER UNLESS YOU ARE SITTING DOWN, okay? Well, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire shortly after my arrival are pretty well healed now. I only spent two weeks in the hospital and I now can see almost normally and I only get those sick headaches once a week.

Fortunately, the fire in the dormitory and my jump was witnessed by an attendant at the gas station near the dorm and he was the one who called the fire department and the ambulance. He also visited me at the hospital and since I had nowhere to live because of the burnt-out dorm, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. It's really an attic room, but it's kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to get married. We haven't exactly set the date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy begins to show. Yes, Mom and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how you are looking forward to being grandparents and I know you will welcome the baby and give it the same love and devotion and tender care you gave me as a child. The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor infection which prevents us from passing our premarital blood tests and I carelessly caught it from him. This will soon clear up with the penicillin injections I am taking daily.

Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that there was no dormitory fire. I do not have a concussion or a skull fracture, I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged, I do not have syphilis and in fact there is no man in my life. However, I am getting a "D" in history and a "F" in science class and I wanted you to see these marks in their proper perspective.

Your loving daughter,

Mary

[Achilles Tang]

Actual radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations, 10-10-95

#1: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

#2: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to South to avoid a collision.

#1: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

#2: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.

#1: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER ENTERPRISE, WE ARE A LARGE

WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!

#2: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

[kelstorm]

new fish??

[Achilles Tang]

X'mas carols... Singapore style.

JINGLE BENGS

(to the tune of ‘Jingle Bells’)

Chorus:

Jingle Bengs, Jingle Bengs

Jingle all the way

Oh what fun it is to squat

And then shout, “Wah lau eh!” (Eh!)

Jingle Bengs, Jingle Bengs

Jingle all the way

Oh what fun it is to squat

And then shout, “Wah lau eh!”

Hooting down the road

And piah-ing down the street

Later go Geylang

And get something to eat

Geylang is damn tok kong

‘Cos down every lorong

You’re sure to find things all night long

To make you si beh song (Eh!)

Repeat chorus

GST IS COMING TO TOWN

(to the tune of ‘Santa Claus is Coming to Town’)

You better buy now

You better now buy

You better shop now

I’m telling you why

GST is coming to town

It will increase your bills

By fi-ive percent

Courtesy of the go-overnment

GST is coming to town

It’ll hit you when you’re shopping

Whether food or household wares

So you better start applying for

Your Ee–aR-Ce-ee shares

You better buy now

You better now buy

You better shop now

I’m telling you why

GST is coming to town

O COME BACK YE QUITTERS

(to the tune of ‘O Come All Ye Faithful’)

Come back, ye quitters,

Bring your kids or sisters

Come back, o co-ome back to Si-ing-ga-pore

Come and assist us

In this big recession

O come back to your country

O come back to your country

O come back to your country

We mean Singapore

I’M DREAMING OF A WHITE HUSBAND

(to the tune of ‘I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas’)

I’m dreaming of a white husband

Just like the ones on TV shows

So I stake out Boat Quay

Or Ho-lland Vee-ee

To snag some rich expat ang-mors

I’m dreaming of a white husband

I read about in women’s mags

I’m an SPG, all right

And I want my husband to be white

ISD IS GONNA FIND OUT

(to the tune of 'Santa Claus is Coming To Town')

You better not pout

You better not cry

You better watch out I'm telling you why

ISD is gonna find out

They're reading your mail

They're bugging your soup

To find out if you're

A communist dupe

ISD is gonna find out

They watch you when you're sleeping

Awake it's still the same

And if you act boh tua boh suay

You will sure kena detain

So better not pout

Or kau peh kau bu

Or they will reserve

The air-con for you

ISD is gonna find out

FILL THE MALLS

(to the tune of 'Deck the Halls')

Fill the malls with Christmas spending!

Fa la la la la la la la la

Use your Visa till it's bending!

Fa la la la la la la la la

Till you reach your credit ceiling!

Fa la la la la la la la la

And the interest starts increasing!

Fa la la la la la la la la

See the letters all demanding!

Fa la la la la la la la la

See the writ of seizure coming!

Fa la la la la la la la la

Bailiffs come with smiles-a-gleaming!

Fa la la la la la la la la

What a novel Christmas greeting!

Fa la la la la la la la la

O LITTLE TOWN OF SINGAPORE

(to the tune of "O Little Town of Bethlehem")

O little town of Singapore

How small you are in size

And yet you like

To use your mike

To go and proselytize

Though your Asian values

You know are but a ruse

To justify

Making folks cry

Their liber-ties you bruise

"You must obey your elders

No matter what they say

To be unfi-

-Li-al, you see

Is a treasonous display."

SILENT FART

(to the tune of 'Silent Night')

Silent fart

Smelly fart

Eat durian

Chin chia lat

Bastard

Why you so

Buay tze tong

Just let go

Like that, si beh hiong

Damn incon-si-der-a-ate

Da-amn in-con-sider-ate

SOUTH IN EAST ASIA

(to the tune of "Away in a Manger")

South in East Asia

By a flag white and red

The little lord Harry

Lay down his vast head

He's built up this island

It's rich though it's small

The people love Harry

And carry his balls.

WE THREE SINGHS

(to the tune of "We Three Kings")

We three Singhs

Of Paya Lebar

One in taxi

One in car

One on scooter

Peeping his hooter

All going to Khalsa.

Refrain:

Oh-oh, Bhai what colour?

Ouch! It's white!

Why you pinch

So bloody tight?

Homeward heading

Ghee a-spreading

Bhais want chapati tonight.

[Achilles Tang]

No offence to any Sikhs here... but all the races in SG have their fair share of racial jokes...

#1

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his neighbor, a Singh,

came

out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. He opened it, looked

inside, slammed it shut and stomed back into his house. A little later

he

came out of his house again, looking nervous, went to the mailbox,

again

opened it and slammed it shut. Angrily, into the house he went.

As the man was getting ready to edge of the lawn, here our Singh came

again,

looking very heated up. He marched to the mailbox, opened it and then

slammed it shut harder than ever.

Puzzled by his action, the man asked him, "Is something wrong?"

To which the ferocious Singh replied, "There certainly is! My stupid

computer keeps telling me I have mail!"

#2

One Singh was enjoying the sun at the beach in America. A lady came and

asked him, "Are you relaxing?" Singh answered, "No, I am Banta Singh".

Another guy came and asked the same question. Singh answered, "No no,

me

Banta Singh!"

Third one came and asked him the exact same question again.

Singh was totally annoyed and decided to shift his place. While walking

he

saw another Singh soaking in the sun.He went up to him and asked, "Are

you

relaxing?"

The other Singh was a lot more educated and answered, "Yes, I am

relaxing."

The Singh slapped him on his face and said, "Stupid idiot! everyone is

looking for you and you are just sitting over here!."

#3

Jasmeet Khaur caught her husband, Santa Singh, searching high and low

all

around his living room.

She asked, " What are you searching for?."

Santa : Hidden cameras!

Jasmeet : And what makes you think that there are hidden cameras in our

house?

Santa : That guy on TV knows exactly what I am doing. Why every few

minutes

he keeps saying 'You are watching the Star World Channel. How does he

know

that?!.

#4 ~ the Smart ###### Singh

A Singh died and went to heaven. When he got to the pearly gate, Saint

Peter

told him that the new rules were in effect due to the advances in

education

on earth. In order to gain admittance, a prospective heavenly soul must

answer two question :

1. Name two days of the week that begin with "T"

2. How many second are in a year?

The Singh thought for a while and answered...

1. The two days of the week that begin with "T" are Today and Tomorrow.

2. There are 12 seconds in a year.

Saint Peter said, "OK, I'll buy the Today and Tomorrow answer,

eventhough

it's not the answer I expected. But how did you get the 12 seconds in a

year?"

The Singh replied, "Well, there is January 2nd, February 2nd, March

2nd,

etc.."

Saint Peter lets him in without another word.

#5

Two Singh (pilots) try to land an airplane in the United States. They

start

descending and as they touch the ground, the first pilot screamed "The

runaway is ending!".

The second pilot swiftly gets the plane back up in the air. They make a

big

turn and start descending again. But the moment they touch the ground,

the

first pilot screamed again "Get the plane up! the runaway is ending!"

The second pilot once again got the plane back up in the air. They make

another big turn and start descending again. This goes on again and

again.

During the fifth descent the first pilot says, "Look at those stupid

Americans, they build this huge & expensive airport but with such a

short

runaway!".

"I know", answer the second pilot, "but look how wide they made it!".

[Achilles Tang]

X'mas is coming!

[Achilles Tang]

X'mas is coming!

[Achilles Tang]

X'mas is coming!