The Official SRC Joke Thread!

[pegasus1010]

Two cowboys are talking over a beer, discussing various ###### positions.

The first cowboy says his favorite position is the "rodeo."

The other cowboy asks what the position is, and how to do it?

The first cowboy says, "You tell your wife to get on the bed on all fours and

then do it doggy style. Once things start to get under way and she's really

enjoying it, lean forward and whisper in her ear: "Your sister likes this

position too."

Then try to hang on for 8 seconds.

[pegasus1010]

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near

a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on

the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think

I could stay the night?"

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner,

even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he

hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks

the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We

can't tell you. You're not a monk."

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and

goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same

man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The

monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night,

he hears the same strange noise that he had heard

years earlier.

The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply,

"We can't tell you. You're not a monk."

The man says, "All right, all right. I'm *dying* to know. If

the only way I can find out what that sound was is to

become a monk, how do I become a monk?"

The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us

how many blades of grass there are and the exact number

of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will

become a monk."

The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he

returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says,

"I have traveled the earth and have found what you have

asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass

and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth."

The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now a monk.

We shall now show you the way to the sound."

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the

head monk says, "The sound is right behind that door."

The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He

says, "Real funny. may I have the key?" The monks give

him the key, and he opens the door.

Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.

The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks

give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made

of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who

provide it. Behind that door is *another* door, this one

made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through

doors of emerald, silver, topaz, amethyst... Finally, the monks

say, "This is the last key to the last door."

The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns

the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the

source of that strange sound.....

But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

[Archilles19]

@#$$%$^^$#$@%&(*%^$........

[pegasus1010]

hur hur hur....

[ozy]

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near

a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on

the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think

I could stay the night?"

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner,

even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he

hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks

the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We

can't tell you. You're not a monk."

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and

goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same

man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The

monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night,

he hears the same strange noise that he had heard

years earlier.

The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply,

"We can't tell you. You're not a monk."

The man says, "All right, all right. I'm *dying* to know. If

the only way I can find out what that sound was is to

become a monk, how do I become a monk?"

The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us

how many blades of grass there are and the exact number

of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will

become a monk."

The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he

returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says,

"I have traveled the earth and have found what you have

asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass

and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth."

The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now a monk.

We shall now show you the way to the sound."

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the

head monk says, "The sound is right behind that door."

The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He

says, "Real funny. may I have the key?" The monks give

him the key, and he opens the door.

Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.

The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks

give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made

of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who

provide it. Behind that door is *another* door, this one

made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through

doors of emerald, silver, topaz, amethyst... Finally, the monks

say, "This is the last key to the last door."

The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns

the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the

source of that strange sound.....

But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

Reminded me of the Green Ping Pong ball joke my friend used to tell me.

[ozy]

how many VJC students does it take to fix a lightbulb?

one. the rest are busy cheering.

This is a good one, I was from VJ.

[mUAr_cHEe]

TEll the Ping Pong Joke!!!!!

[XPeriment 626]

green ping pong joke very long leh

[Archilles19]

TELLL.....TELLLL.....TELLLLLL

[AquaRa]

haha, damn funny

[aStRoBo|]

There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush.

> > By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth, he successfully

> expresses

> > himself to the shopkeeper

> > and the purchase is done.

> >

> > Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses,

how

> > should he express himself?

make a guess ppl.

[mUAr_cHEe]

any answer???

btw... that should have been in the riddle thread....

boss started 2... an official joke... and an official riddle thread...

[AquaRa]

so what's the answer?

[diabolus]

There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush.

> > By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth, he successfully

> expresses

> > himself to the shopkeeper

> > and the purchase is done.

> >

> > Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses,

how

> > should he express himself?

make a guess ppl.

he just used his mouth to ask la...

he is blind...not dumb.

[mUAr_cHEe]

he just used his mouth to ask la...

he is blind...not dumb.

duh!!! hahaha...

[Travy]

Two cowboys are talking over a beer, discussing various ###### positions.

The first cowboy says his favorite position is the "rodeo."

The other cowboy asks what the position is, and how to do it?

The first cowboy says, "You tell your wife to get on the bed on all fours and

then do it doggy style. Once things start to get under way and she's really

enjoying it, lean forward and whisper in her ear: "Your sister likes this

position too."

Then try to hang on for 8 seconds.

HAHAHAHA!!!!!

Hmmm... maybe i should try...

[AquaRa]

haha, funny.

[pegasus1010]

[hammerhd]

Men will learn the wisdom of this story ...Women will enjoy the benefits of the wisdom learned by Men.

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question?....What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end. He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer. But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged. The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first. The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewerage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life. He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden, but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it was, the neighbouring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding. The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen, lay before him on the bed.

The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half. Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night? Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous, intimate moments?

What would YOU do? What Lancelot chose is below.

Noble Lancelot, knowing the answer the witch gave Arthur to his question, said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now....what is the moral to this story? The moral is..... If you don't let a woman have her own way.... things are going to get ugly.

[hammerhd]

for the guys

WOMAN

When she is 18 - She is a football, 22 men going after her.

When she is 28 - She is a hockey ball, 8 men going after her.

When she is 38 - She is a golf ball, 1 man hitting on her.

When she is 48 - She is a pingpong ball, 2 men pushing to each other.

[hammerhd]

for the ladies

MAN

At 20 - A man is like a coconut, so much to offer, so little to give.

At 30 - He is like a durian, dangerous but delicious.

At 40 - He is like a watermelon, big, round and juicy.

At 50 - He is like a mandarin orange, the season comes once in a year.

At 60 - He is just like a raisin, dried out, wrinkles and cheap.

[AquaRa]

1. Once, Hilter went to see a clairvoyant. "When will i die?" Hitler asked. The clairvoyant said, "Heil Fuhrer, you will die on a jewish holiday." Hitler was damn pissed. So he asked again," On which Jewish holiday will i die on?" The clairvoyant said ,"Fuhrer, anyday you die on will be a Jewish holiday."

*clairvoyant is someone who can foresee the future, like a fortune-teller

2. There's a sign outside the Annual Clairvoyant Convention room which says, "The Convention has been cancelled due to unforseen circumstances."

3. Hey, do you know that there are 3 types of people in the world? Those who can count, and those who can't count.

4. There's a man selling birds. A man brought his girlfriend along and gave $5 to the man. "I'll like to buy a pigeon." The man pointed up at a bird in the sky and said, "That one is yours."

5. There was a monastery selling fish 'n' chips. One is a Friar Tuck, the other is a chipmunk.

[pegasus1010]

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to get his

wife's test results.

The lab technician says to him, "I'm very sorry, sir,

but we've had

a bit of a problem. At the same time we sent your

wife's samples to the lab,

the lab also received samples from another Mrs.

Smith, and now we're not sure

which results are your wife's. But, frankly, it's

either bad news or

terrible news!" "What do you mean?" said Mr. Smith.

"Well, one Mrs. Smith tested positive for

Alzheimer's, and the other Mrs. Smith has

tested positive for AIDS. And we can't tell which is

your wife's test."

"This is terrible!" cries Mr. Smith. "Can't we do the

test over?"

"Normally, yes," says the technician, "but you have

Blue Cross Health

Care, and they won't pay for these expensive tests

more than once."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?" said Mr. Smith.

"Blue Cross recommends that you drop your wife off in

the middle of town.

If she finds her way home, don't sleep with her."

[pegasus1010]

There is a factory in America which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy "laughs" when you tickle it under the arm.

A new ###### employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 0800.

At 0845 that day, the Foreman from the assembly line begins to complain about the new employee to the Plant Manager. He said that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Plant Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the two men march down to the factory floor. When they get there, the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor.

At the end of the line stands the new employee surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of bright red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The two men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Plant Manager bursts into laughter.

After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches the woman.

"I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles".

[Marineman]

5 Levels of ###### in Your Marriage Life

The first is Smurf ######. This happens during the

Honeymoon, you keep doing it until you're blue in

the face.

The second is the Kitchen ######. This is at the

beginning of the marriage, where you'll have ######

anywhere, anytime, even in the kitchen.

The third kind is Bedroom ######. You;ve calmed down a

bit, perhaps because you have kids, so you gotta do

it in the bedroom.

The fourth kind is the Hallway ######. This is where

you pass each other in the hallway and say, "F**k

You ! "

There is also a fifth kind of ######: Courtroom ######.

This is when you get divorced and your wife screws

you in front of everyone in the courtroom.

Four Secrets to a Happy Marriage

1. It is important to find a woman who cooks and

cleans

2. It is important to find a woman who makes good

money

3. It is important to find a woman who likes to

have ######

4. It is very important that these three women

never met!

WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN WOMEN AT THE AGES OF

8, 18, 28, 38, 48, AND 58 ?

8 - You take her to bed and tell her a story

18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed

28 - You don't need to tell her any story and take

her to bed

38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed

48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed

58 - You stay in bed all day to avoid her story

"This life is just a spider's web. So beautiful, but a trap. "