Achilles Tang

Corporate Lesson 1 >>>>> >>>>>A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing >>>>>up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of >>>>>arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the >>>>>wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs >>>>>downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the >>>>>next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give >>>>>you $800 to drop that towel that you have on" After thinking for >>>>>a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands ###### in front of >>>>>Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her 800 dollars and leaves. >>>>>Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps >>>>>back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets back >>>>>to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower, "Who was >>>>>that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies. >>>>>"Great!" the husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800 >>>>>he owes me?" >>>>> >>>>> >>>>>Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining >>>>>to credit and risk in time with your stakeholders, you may be in >>>>>a position to prevent avoidable exposure. >>>>> >>>>> >>>>> >>>>> >>>>> >>>>>Corporate Lesson 2 >>>>> >>>>>A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the >>>>>road, he stopped and offered her a lift, which she accepted. She >>>>>got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal >>>>>a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. >>>>>After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her >>>>>leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, >>>>>remember Psalm 129?" The priest was flustered and apologized >>>>>profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. Changing gear, >>>>>he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, >>>>>"Father, remember Psalm 129?" Once again the priest apologized >>>>>"Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, >>>>>the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance and went on her >>>>>way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve >>>>>a bible and looked up Psalm 129. It Said, "Go forth and seek, >>>>>further up, you will find glory." >>>>> >>>>> >>>>>Moral of the story: Always be well informed in your job, or you >>>>>might miss a great opportunity. >>>>> >>>>> >>>>> >>>>> >>>>> >>>>>Corporate Lesson 3 >>>>> >>>>>A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking >>>>>to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a >>>>>Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually >>>>>only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one." "Me >>>>>first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the >>>>>Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." >>>>>Poof! She's gone. In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the >>>>>sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with >>>>>my personal masseuse, an Endless supply of pina coladas and the >>>>>love of my life." Poof! He's gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie >>>>>says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in >>>>>the office after lunch." >>>>> >>>>> >>>>>Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say. >>>>> >>>>> >>>>> >>>>> >>>>> >>>>>Corporate Lesson 4 >>>>> >>>>>A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small >>>>>rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and >>>>>do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." >>>>>So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All >>>>>of a sudden a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. >>>>> >>>>> >>>>>Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be >>>>>sitting very, very high up. >>>>> >>>>> >>>>> >>>>> >>>>> >>>>>Corporate Lesson 5 >>>>> >>>>>A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to >>>>>get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't >>>>>got the energy." "Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my >>>>>droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." >>>>>The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually >>>>>gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. >>>>>The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second >>>>>branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly >>>>>perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by >>>>>a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree. >>>>> >>>>> >>>>>Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it >>>>>won't keep you there. >>>>> >>>>> >>>>> >>>>> >>>>> >>>>>Corporate Lesson 6 >>>>> >>>>>A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold >>>>>the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it >>>>>was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As >>>>>the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to >>>>>realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! >>>>>He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. >>>>>A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. >>>>>Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile >>>>>of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him. >>>>> >>>>> >>>>>Moral of the story: 1) Not everyone who shits on you is your >>>>>enemy. 2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend. >>>>>3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth >>>>>shut!

Lexus Car..... A lady walks into a Lexus dealership. She browses around, then spots the perfect car and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now. As she turns back, there standing next to her is a salesman. "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?" Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?" He answers, "Madame, I'm very sorry to say that if you farted just touching it, you are going to shit when you hear the price."

What's a crownfish?

No offence to all Punjabi friends! Good morning, Ladies and Gentlemen. This is your Captain 'James' Santa Singh welcoming you to Punjab Airways. We apologize for the two-day delay in taking off, owing to bad weather and some overtime I had put in at the highway dhaba. This is flight no. 9211 (Nau Do Gyaraah) to Ludhiana. Landing in Ludhiana is not guaranteed, but with luck we may even be landing directly on your village. Punjab Airways has a unique record for safety. In fact our safety standards are so well known that even fully trained terrorists and hijackers are afraid to fly with us. It is with pleasure I announce that starting this year over 90% of our passengers have reached their destination. For the ones that don't quite make it, Punjab Airways staff has all the requisite experience for consoling the next-of-kin. Our Hostess Bubbly Kaur will be happy to brief you on our out-of-court settlement policies. If our engines are too noisy for you, on passenger request, we can turn them off for your convenience. To make your free fall to earth pleasant and memorable, we serve complimentary tea and biscuits. For our religious passengers, we are the only airline who can help you quickly find out whether God really exists. We regret to inform you that today's in-flight movie will not be shown as we forgot to record it from the television. But we will be flying right next to Air India, where their movie will be visible from the right side cabin windows. These windows have been removed for your viewing convenience. For passengers with sight problems, we have also put a pair of binoculars under your seat. As per the rules, smoking is not allowed on all Punjab Airways flights over Punjab. Any smoke you see in the cabin is only the early warning system on the engines telling us to slow down. Life jackets are placed under your seats and free bathing costumes are made available for the aunties and swimming trunks for the uncles, for emergency water landings on any of our 5 rivers. Kindly be seated, keep your seat in an upright position for take off and fasten your belts. For those of you who can't find a seat belt, kindly fasten your own belt to the arm of your seat. And for those of you who can't find a seat, do not hesitate to get in touch with Bubbly Kaur for your arrangement to sit on the bathroom seat. If you do sit there, please do not flush frequently because it may result in shortage of water we require for your tea. I won't be flying with you today because I have to attend to my nephew's wedding. But co-pilot Kaptan Singh will have wireless access to me in case he needs flying instructions from time to time. For an extra 500 rupees or two tandoori chickens, our attendant Bubbly Kaur will allow you to come forward and occupy the captain's seat in the cockpit for 5 minutes each, for an extraordinary view. Thank you once again for choosing to fly with Punjab Airways.

No offence to Citibankers! If you have ever had to deal with a major corporation's customer service then you will really appreciate this. My Aunt died this past January. Citi Bank billed her for February and March for their monthly service charge on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge...the balance had been $0.00... now was somewhere around $60.00) I placed the following phone call to CitiBank: Me: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January." CitiBank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply." Me: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections..." CitiBank: "Since it is 2 months past due, it already has been." Me: "So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?" CitiBank: "Either report her account to the frauds division, or report her to the credit bureau...maybe both!" Me: "Do you think God will be mad at her?" CitiBank:"...excuse me .....?" Me: "Did you just get what I was telling you.... the part about her being dead?" CitiBank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor!" (Supervisor gets on the phone) Me: ''I'm calling to tell you, she died in January." CitiBank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply." Me: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?" CitiBan k: ".....(stammer)" .... "Are you her lawyer?" Me: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given... ) CitiBank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?" Me: "Sure." ( Fax number is given ) ( After they get the fax. ) CitiBank: "Our system just isn't setup for death..." Me: "Oh..." CitiBank: "I don't know what more I can do to help..." Me: "Well... if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her...I suppose...don't really think she will care...." CitiBank: "Well...the late fees and charges do still apply." Me: "'Would you like her new billing address?" CitiBank: "That might help." Me: " ( Odessa Memorial Cemetery #### Hwy 129 and plot number given. ) CitiBank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!" Me: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?!!"

My wife is missing The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" "Why?" "Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere."

Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom & stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news & bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead." Mary replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."

An old man lived in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was really hard work. His only son, who used to help him was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament Dear son, I'm feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato in the garden this year. I am just getting too old to be digging up garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me. Love Dad A few days later, he received a letter from his son Dear Dad, For heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the BODIES. Love Son At 4 a.m. the next morning, F.B.I. agents and local police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same daythe old man received another letter from his son. Dear Dad, Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love Son The morale of the story is TO WORK SMART NOT HARD. Use your brain, in the perceived impossible sometimes it can make the impossible possible.

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Sarah, who was a rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. she wore a bathing suit on the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an oerall tan. She'd hardly brhun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. "Excuse me miss," said the flustered assisitant manager of the hotel, out of breadth from running up the stairs. "The Hilton does'nt mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday." "What's the difference does it make? "Sarah asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel." "Not exactly, " said the embarrassed man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight"

This joke is for lightingstrike! The irate cabbie... There was a Japanese man who went to America for sightseeing. On the last day, he hailed a cab and told the driver to drive to the airport. During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi. Thereupon, the man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, "Honda, very fast! Made in Japan!" After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi. Again, the Japanese man leaned out of the window and yelled, "Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!" And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled, "Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan!" The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on for quite a number of cars. Finally, the taxi came to the airport. The fare was US$300. The Japanese exclaimed, "Wah... so expensive!" There upon, the driver yelled back - "Meter, very fast! Made in Japan!"

The LAPD, the FBI and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigation, they conclude that rabbits do not exist. The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads, they burn the forest, killing everything in it -- including the rabbit -- and make no apologies. "The rabbit had it coming." The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling, "Okay, okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit."

It's time to upgrade your OS!

Her Side of the Story : > ============== > He was in an odd mood Saturday night. > We planned to meet at a pub for a drink. I spent the afternoon > shopping with the girls and I thought it might have been my fault > because I was a bit later than I promised, but he didn't say anything > much about it. > > The conversation was very slow going so I thought we should go off > somewhere more intimate so we could talk a bit more privately. We > went to this restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny. I tried > to cheer him up and started to wonder whether it was me or something > else. I asked him, and he said no. But I wasn't really sure. > > So anyway, in the car on the way back home, I said that I loved him > deeply and he just put his arm around me. I didn't know what the > hell that meant because you know, he didn't say it back or anything, > this is really worrying me.We finally got back home and I was > wondering if he was going to leave me! > > So I tried to get him to talk but he just switched on the TV, and > sat with a distant look in his eyes that seemed to say it's all > over between us. Reluctantly, I said I was going to go to bed. Then > after about 10 minutes, he joined me and to my surprise, he > responded to my > advances. But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I > just wanted to confront him but I just cried myself to sleep. I just > don't know what to do anymore. I mean, I really think he's seeing > someone else and life is a diaster. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > His Side of the Story: > ============== > Man U lost to Arsenal

Laughter is the best medicine... > > > > > > > > Dr. Quek made a routine house call to Mr. Lim, one of his elderly > > > > patients. > > > > He asks, "And how are you doing today, Mr. Lim?" > > > > > > > > Mr. Lim replies, "I feel just fine, doc. But you know, it's the > >strangest > > > > thing. > > > > Every night when I get up to pang jio, the bathroom light goes on for > >me > > > > automatically when I open the door!" > > > > > > > > The doctor is worried that the old man is getting senile, so he phones > >the > > > > man's son, and the son's wife answers. > > > > > > > > The doctor tells her, "Mrs. Lim, I'm a little concerned about your > > > > father-in-law. It seems that when he gets up to urinate at night and > >opens > > > > > > > > the bathroom door, the light somehow goes on... > > > > > > > > At which point, Mrs. Lim yells, "Ah Seng! Ah Pa pang jio in the fridge > > > > again!" > > > > _______________________________________ > > > > > > > > About Frogs in Hokkien: > > > > QUESTION : How do you know frogs are Hokkien? > > > > ANSWER : Because when it's cold, they go "kwah, kwah, kwah". > > > > > > > > QUESTION : How do Hokkien prawns laugh? > > > > ANSWER : Hae hae hae (hokkien for prawns) > > > > > > > > QUESTION : How do Hokkien fish laugh? > > > > ANSWER : Hee hee hee (hokkien for fish) > > > > > > > > QUESTION : What's the difference between ang-mor and Hokkien fairy > >Tales? > > > > ANSWER : Ang-mor fairy tales begin with "Once upon a time..." > > > > and Hokkien fairy tales begin with "Lim Peh ka li > > > > kong..." > > > > ----------------------------------------------------- > > > > > > > > Subject: Hokkien - just for a laugh > > > > > > > > Ah Lian called Ah Beng over the telephone. > > > > > > > > Lian: " Beng, I can't get my new jig saw puzzle fixed, mah-chiam all > >the > > > > edges cannot fix together, leh." > > > > > > > > Beng: " Jig saw puzzle si mi picture, ha?" > > > > > > > > Lian: " The box show a big rooster, kanna like the one in > > > > talkingcock.com". > > > > > > > > Beng: "Okay, lah, okay, lah. I come over to hepchu, lah." > > > > > > > > Ah Beng arrives at Ah Lian's place, where she happily leads him to the > > > > kitchen table where the jigsaw puzzle is. > > > > > > > > Ah Beng examines the puzzle and says, " Kan ni na, put back the corn > > > > flakes > > > > into the box, lah."

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging of how great their fathers are. The first one says: "Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow." The second one says: "Ha! You think that`s fast? My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet." The third one listens to the other two and shakes his head. He then says: "You two know nothing about fast. My father is a civil servant. He stops working at 4:30 and he is home by 3:45."

An elderly couple went to watch a contest for the >strongest bull. > >After the contest they went to the 3rd prize bull's owner, >wanting to know what his secret was. > >The woman asked; "How do you make your bull so strong?" >The owner said; "You have to make sure the bull makes love >once a week." >The woman turned to her husband and said;"See!" > >The old man was displeased but said nothing. >They then went to the 2nd prize bull's owner and the old >woman asked the same question, to which the owner replied; "You must make >sure your bull makes love 2 or 3 times a week." Again the woman turned >to her husband and said; "See! See!" > >The old man was annoyed but remained silent. >They then went to the 1st prize bull's owner and again the >old woman asked the same question. The reply was; "You must make sure your >bull >makes love at least once every day." The woman turned to her husband >and said;"See! See! See!". > >This time the old man got angry and asked the owner; "But >does your bull always make love to the same cow?" The >owner replied; "No, no. Many many cows." The old man >quickly turned to the old woman and said; "SEE! SEE! SEE! SEE!!!!!!

Do you know the reason why Singapore government restricts the citizens not >to buy chewing gum? > >Here is the story. > >One day LKY went to Thailand and had lobster at the dinner with >the >Thai King. >After Lee finished, he asked the King: >Lee : Your Highness, what can you do with this lobster skin? >King: We cannot do anything with it, we just throw away. >Lee : Oh, no. In our country, we send it to the factory and produce some >prawn cracker. > >Then Lee had an orange. After he finished, he asked the King. >Lee : What can you do with the orange skin? >King: We cannot do anything. We just throw away. >Lee : Oh, no. In Singapore, we send it to the factory and produce some >orange jam. > >Then Lee asked for some chewing gum. >After he finished, he put on the plate and asked the King. >Lee : What can you do with the chewing gum? >King: Oh, no. We just throw it away. >Lee : In Singapore, we send it to the factory and produce condoms and send >it to Thailand. > >Lee said good bye to the King and the King asked Lee. >King: What can you do with the condom when you finish using it? >Lee : We cannot do anything. We throw it away. >King: In Thailand when we finish using the condom, we send it to the >factory >to produce chewing gum and send it back to Singapore.

The guy wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in a perfect order, spotlessly clean. And so's the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table "Honey, breakfast is on the stove. Love you." So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast, fresh newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Father (F): "Son, what happened yesterday?" Son (S): "Oh, the usual.? You came home after 3 am, drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave mom a black eye." (F): "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and the food is on the table?" (S): "Oh that!? Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off you said "Bitch! Leave me alone, I am married!"

I'll start off! Why did cyclops close down his school?

> > > > English: Hello, here is my passport. > > > > Singlish: Nah. > > > > > > > > English: Where do I go to collect my luggage? > > > > Singlish: Take bag go where, ah? > > > > > > > > English: You mean chewing gum is prohibited in Singapore? > > > > Singlish: Gum cannot, meh? > > > > > > > > English: I'm being fined? Oh dear. > > > > Singlish: Kena saman? Die, lah. > > > > > > > > English: What shall we have for dinner this evening? > > > > Singlish: Tonight eat what, ah? > > > > > > > > English: I'm open to suggestions. > > > > Singlish: Anything also can. > > > > > > > > English: Do you have a reservation? > > > > Singlish: You early-early call, not? > > > > > > > > English: Yes, it's reserved under the name "Tan". > > > > Singlish: My name 'Tan'! > > > > > > > > English: Please wait a moment while we attend to your table. > > > > Singlish: Your name 'Tan', so you 'tan' here awhile, can? > > > > > > > > English: This way to your table, please. > > > > Singlish: Come! > > > > > > > > English: What would you recommend? > > > > Singlish: Here got what, ah? > > > > > > > > English: Our speciality is fine European haute cuisine. > > > > Singlish: Ang mor makan, lor. > > > > > > > > English: Would you recommend this dish? > > > > Singlish: This dish how, ah? > > > > > > > > English: It's alright. > > > > Singlish: Can, lah. > > > > > > > > English: The steak here is exceptional. > > > > Singlish: Here the steak is tok kong. > > > > > > > > English: We also have a fine selection of pasta. > > > > Singlish: Also got mee. > > > > > > > > English: Perhaps the fettucine or linguine? > > > > Singlish: Mee pok, mee kia, also got. > > > > > > > > English: Would you care to sample our desserts? > > > > Singlish: You want lizard? > > > > > > > > English: May I have the bill, please? > > > > Singlish: (mime signing cheque) > > > > > > > > English: The prices here are rather steep. > > > > Singlish: Wah, here damn ex, man. > > > > > > > > English: Next time, I'd rather eat at a hawker center. > > > > Singlish: Go hawker center also better

Actual dialog of a former Customer Support employee: Support: "Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?" Customer: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect." Support: "What sort of trouble?" Customer: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.", Support: "Went away?" Customer:"They disappeared." Support: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?" Customer: "Nothing." Support: "Nothing?" Customer: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type." Support: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?" Customer: "How do I tell?" Support: "Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?" Customer: "What's a sea-prompt?" Support: "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?" Customer: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type." Support: "Does your monitor have a power indicator?" Customer: "What's a monitor?" Support: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?" Customer: "I don't know." Support: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?" Customer: ......"Yes, I think so." Support: "Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall." Customer: ......"Yes, it is." Support: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?" Customer: "No." Support: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable." Customer: ......"Okay, here it is." Support: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer." Customer: "I can't reach." Support: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?" Customer: "No." Support: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?" Customer:"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark." Support: "Dark? Customer: "Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window." Support: "Well, turn on the office light then." Customer:"I can't." Support: "No? Why not?" Customer: "Because there's a power outage." Support: "A power... A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?" Customer: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet." Support: "Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from." Customer: "Really? Is it that bad?" Support: "Yes, I'm afraid it is." Customer: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?" Support: "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

A damn good one! > > > A fellow was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 > > > lbs. due to very serious health risks. As he wondered > > > how in the heck he would ever do it, he ran across > > > an ad in the newspaper for a GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM. > > > > > > "Guaranteed. Yeah right!" he thought to himself. But > > > desperate, he calls > > > them up and subscribes to the 3-day/10 pound weight loss > > > program. > > > > > > The next day there's a knock at his door, and when he answers, > > > there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe > > > dressed in > > > nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck. > > > She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. > > > The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." > > > > > > Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles > > > later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with > > > her. > > > After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, "I like > > > the > > > way this company does business!" > > > > > > The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same > > > thing happens. > > > > > > On the fourth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find > > > he has lost 10 lb. as promised. He calls the company and orders their > > > 5-day/20 pound program. > > > > > > The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the > > > most stunning, beautiful, ###### woman he has ever seen in his life, > > > wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck > > > that reads, "If you catch me, you can have me." > > > > > > He's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in > > > excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her, but when he > > > does, it > > > is worth every cramp and wheeze. > > > > > > For the next four days, the same routine happens and much to > > > his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself and found he has lost > > > another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the > > > company to order the 7-day/50 pound program. > > > > > > "Are you sure?! ", asks the representative on the phone."This > > > is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't > > > felt > > > this good in years." > > > > > > The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it > > > he finds a very large man standing there wearing nothing but pink > > > running shoes, a big leer on his face and a sign around his neck that > > > reads, > > > ......... "If I catch you, you're mine."

Any lawyers in the house? The following questions from lawyers were taken from official records nationwide: 1. Was that the same nose you broke as a child? 2. Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning? 3. Q: What happened then? A: He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.' Q: Did he kill you? 4. Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war? 5. The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he? 6. Were you alone or by yourself? 7. How long have you been a French Canadian? 8. Do you have children or anything of that kind? 9. Q: I show you exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture? A: That's me. Q: Were you present when that picture was taken? 10. Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in? 11. Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it terminated? 12. Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now? A: I'll be three months on November 8. Q: Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8? A: Yes Q: What were you doing at the time? 13. Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable? A: I used to be. Q: How many times have you committed suicide? 14. So you were gone until you returned? 15. Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes. Q: How many were boys? A: None Q: Were there girls? 16. You don't know what it was, and you don't know what it looked like, but can you describe it? 17. Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement? A: Yes Q: And these stairs, did they go up also? 18. Q: Have you lived in this town all your life? A: Not yet. 19. A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question." 20. Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Edington at the Rose Chapel? A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m. Q: And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that correct? A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!